That’s The Thing

Read Time: 12 minutes

The Game of Life

In That’s Who She Is, I wrote about how I struggle to understand why society puts so much emphasis on titles. If I spend time chasing a title, I’ll risk losing a lot of time where I don’t learn who I am. I’ll only learn how to be a thing that society has already defined. Then, I’ll waste more time on the next one and the next… 

I struggle to see how conforming to the structure of a career title or any title helps me. I’m not clear on how the title of Doctor, Lawyer, Mother, Wife, or Fangirl 🙂 works for me. And the titles themselves? Aren’t they just part of a power structure made up of other people’s interpretation of my power?

I know it sounds like I just can’t find the way to one of those titles. That is, in fact, actually the thing. I can’t. Maybe it’s because I see what happens. The titles are bestowed and then…what?  I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy. They all start off wanting to be powerful doctors saving lives and the world at the same time. But, one by one, they have these revelations that life is a bigger and brighter matrix outside of “Doctor” or “Female” or “Chief”. It may be fiction, but I’ve seen it in “the real world”, too.

It’s not that it isn’t good and even joyful at times to live under a title. It’s that the label never really says  what anyone thought it was going to say. Instead, there’s a lot of regret and questioning around what life is and its meaning. If it’s not being that thing that is actually THE thing, then what? Not to mention the expectations that come with the title. Shonda Rhimes is on to something here.

I’ve been thinking about how if someone is a doctor, lawyer, or teacher (shout out to The Game of Life), society has decided that person’s status through that career choice. Why is that bad? It’s not, but it brings with it expectations and presumptions. It’s not just the measure of how smart you have to be to get the degree. It’s also the presumption of who should belong and how life should be lived within that career choice. The choice comes with a blurry morality code full of preexisting judgments.

I’m not big on expectations. Some people are really good at them. I’m not. I see the suck. Now, I can’t unsee it. I don’t want my life to include a choice that is already defined by society with right ways and wrong ways. And, as I think about this, I’m not sure titles tell us who anyone is anyway. So, why does it matter so much to society (and here I mean the individuals in it) what my title is? Maybe societies need to define me and everyone else to remain relevant.

What I do as a profession or as an adult is a choice I’m supposed to make (or one made for me without me realizing) while I’m young. It seems to me that this choice is meant to make it easier for everyone else to know who I am. But, society disguises it as my freedom to choose. I’m not buying that it helps me know who I am. It can even change, but that doesn’t really matter. The definition society is giving me is already being written.

Society’s definitions are hard to follow. Complete with expectations that are impossible to meet. Woman in a man’s world with more work and less recognition, or woman in a woman’s world where I’m not woman enough. This is what society does with choices people make. It makes sure they are never quite right. Only from my perspective will they be enough. If I believe in society’s hypocritical definition of enough, I’ll never get there.

So, if I make a “bad” choice, somehow I’ve failed society? “Oh, you’re a blogger…Ummm…” People try to figure me out by that title. But, it doesn’t actually have to mean anything to anyone but me. If you want to define me by it, you’re free to do so. Just keep in mind that who I am is not defined by the thing I am. It’s how I treat others and myself that matters. My definition as a human is not whole simply by what I’m called. I didn’t make up the name and I certainly don’t represent all bloggers. I couldn’t care less about click bait.

The judgments that swirl around us are hard to ignore. I’ve seen people judged so harshly that they question who they are just because of people’s opinions of what they chose. It’s easy to get lost. It’s especially hard if they have to change their mind. It’s a painful place for a lot of people. Living in a world where what we do as our main “thing” carries so much weight. It’s on me, though, isn’t it? This burden. It’s up to me how I live in or outside of this judgment.

Here is what I see. My Mom is a lawyer, but she never practiced law until recently. I didn’t even realize that she was a lawyer until I was about nine years old, and I didn’t ask questions until I was older. I had no frame of reference to connect her title with her job. Her title might say something about her academic ability, but it doesn’t say much else. I’ve seen people literally change the way they treat her when they find out what she is. Why? She didn’t change. Her status in their eyes did. Was she not worthy before they knew?

Assumptions are made about who we are based on what we are. The Game of Life assumes a higher starting salary for a doctor or lawyer vs. a teacher, and maybe that’s always true. It assumes a financial status before the career even starts. Society has already decided which one is better. If you get the teacher path, that’s risky, right? No one wants that card.

All of this is society telling us what we’re worth. Status, power, and worth to me aren’t things that should be attributed to someone’s choice of what to be. Society strongly disagrees with me. It’s view is that what someone is will be the great indicator of their status, power, and therefore, their worth.  [See more on how I disagree with this in That’s the Balance of Power… Coming soon].

My status is a comparison that I don’t make. My power comes from me, so it takes whatever form I choose. My worth is how much time I grant myself to love the world I’m in. It’s by feeling this love that I’m worthy of who I become. 

Sounds pretty self-centered, I guess. Society has worked so hard to create space for all of us in the framework. But, I know that the world is here at least a little bit for me. It’s through this world that I have found the capacity to share and give to others. I have to first love and respect my life to be able to see and love all that is awesome in yours as equally as I see the awesome in mine.

Breaking the Contract

Am I failing to honor some type of contract with society that says “you were born, so you have to…”? Maybe. If I owe this to a greater power, I’m telling all of you that I’m breaking the bargain. No crossroads demons for me (Hey, Sam and Dean… 🥰). 

I know I’m disappointing or at least worrying a few people in my life who have expectations of what my proper place should be. “You’re too smart to waste your life”, or “Don’t you want to accomplish something?” are a couple of phrases I’ve heard that seem to describe some kind of obligation.

My Mom has even acknowledged feeling this way. When she says she’s worried about me, she isn’t worried that I will be reckless, go broke, or start taking drugs. She’s worried that I will never be that “thing” I’m supposed to be. Why, though? For Who? No one even knows what that thing is. How can I really know what I’m supposed to be?

None of this matters to a society that says I have to. It’s something like a doctor, lawyer, or teacher. Those are the only kinds of choices The Game of Life gives us, right? And, people wonder what the hell life is for if it’s not here for us to do one of these things. All I can say is that my life will not be lived even partly to become a thing.

Surprisingly (or not), I don’t care that this worries anyone. I used to, but my life shifted. It’s still shifting, and I’m pretty sure it will never stop. The things society and some of those closest to me put an emphasis on are the things that I see very little meaning in. This is blunt and harsh. I don’t know what this “makes” me, but I don’t worry about it. The people in my life are free to live how they want and I will still love them. I don’t even expect them to understand.

I’m only lazy if my choices compared to someone else’s choices are judged by me as inferior. I’m only a disappointment if my life is compared to what society expects of me. I just don’t make those comparisons or care about comparisons made by others. I’m disappointing people. I know this. But, that’s their version of my life. It was never going to happen like they pictured anyway. 

Is this my explanation to justify not feeling guilty for my choices? Not sure. But, it’s my way of getting through the portion of my life when I almost got stuck. I won’t have a midlife crisis. I’m not choosing that one thing I will do that will define me and open the possibility of regret later when I can’t get out of it or it wasn’t what I thought it was. 

I won’t wake up one day wondering how I got here. I want to know exactly how I got here. Seeing all of it, feeling all of it, and only regretting that I just get one life to do it all. Besides, I’ve already had my life crisis, and it was awesome! [Please read That’s My Crisis for more on this topic]

Life feels short already. Time, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, is more of a friend to me now than it used to be, but life remains short. Too short to ignore what doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve heard a lot about people regretting choices and trying to change course in their thirties, forties, or later. How about now? It doesn’t seem too early to shift. I’m not shifting from what I’ve already chosen. I have to accept those choices. I’m moving away from the definitions society expected me to follow that I felt trapped by for a while.

A True Choice

Why is that chosen thing we’re expected to choose so early in life such a defining measure of that life? I don’t think it’s just because we spend so much time doing that thing, but that might be a big part of it. What we do is important if we have to spend so much time doing it. And, working hard sometimes feels as good as anything. But, that is a feeling that I want to be able to balance. 

My worth will never start and end in that title I chased. No one wants it on their headstone. Sidebar – I don’t even want a headstone ☺️. My work is a way to supplement what I believe is already worthy of me. That seems like a narcissistic statement. Like I was born worthy and what I do doesn’t earn me anything. Then, call me narcissistic because what I do shouldn’t earn me anything compared to anyone else. If I see people that way, I’ve failed to appreciate my life for the amazing “thing” that it is all by itself.

Am I being kind of ridiculous? Thinking I don’t have to choose a thing is ridiculous, right? We have to earn our way. Everyone knows that. To this, I say, that depends. It’s all in the perception. I don’t think society owes me a particular place to work any more than I owe working as a certain thing to society. But, I can accept what is offered to me and feel grateful for it. And, I’ll make it part of who I am. As tangled and messy as it is. That’s the payback. Not obligation, but gratitude. 

I recognize that hard work makes these opportunities possible. Hard work is not what I’m questioning in this post. It’s letting working hard be the only worthy goal that I question. To me, a goal at the expense of having any time to live out my passions and dreams is not a goal worth the price. That’s why I want to tangle hard work with my dreams. Dreams are worthy of work.

None of what I’m saying should be taken as a criticism of putting a lot of effort into a career. My commentary is on society’s expectations for that career. When it doesn’t start with what I really want, it won’t end well. I know very happy people who are getting so much out of their choice and effort even if it did start with a feeling of obligation. I just happen to know a whole lot more who already question where their lives have gone. An overwhelming focus on work seems to be the common denominator. I see them and their regret.

I’m choosing a way that is true to me. I’m not sure how it will go. I kind of like the uncertainty. I may end up wishing I had chosen that career in my 20’s, but I doubt it. Wishing is a habit I’m breaking. Some people really won’t like me suggesting that wishes aren’t a good thing. For me, they aren’t. They are the beginning of regret. Besides, if I do end up in regret, it will be because I’ve forgotten my worthiness and gone back to wishing. It won’t be because I should have done what they expected. 

I’m already too aware of how spending more than two-thirds of my waking hours (at least) on a career isn’t right for me. Working those hours? Sure, I’ll work. But, it won’t be on a career ladder or hoping I’m a better wife and mother tomorrow. No 401k? I’ll have to figure that out. No financial security? Yes, that’s scary. But here I am anyway because the risk has so much possibility for reward. The reward is already happening.

So, what does all of my rambling mean? It means that I’ll work, but not for the sake of doing that thing I’m supposed to do. I’ll be a person who knows that what I want is worthy of my time. Making sense of everything and fitting it into a framework will never happen. The titles I may be given in my life will just be perceptions of who I am based on what I’m doing. I’ll never let those perceptions drive me. 

I know that my life has been gifted to me. I won’t waste that gift trying to be that person who does that thing that everyone expected. Something that fulfills some need in them to define who I’m supposed to be. I’m not her. I’m someone else, and I want to be her so much more than I ever dreamed I could. I’ve realized that when I don’t let expectations for tomorrow weigh on me, it doesn’t mean I will accomplish nothing. It means that I can accomplish anything.

It’s Game Night!