That’s Love

Read Time: 6 minutes

First Love

I found an unexpected love, and it’s awesome. It’s my first love after loving myself. It’s the first step to all the others. Who do I love? It’s not a who exactly, but this love is very real. I’m in love with the world. Its expansiveness, its excitement, its mystery, its beauty, and its awfulness. All of it. Before I found it, I was unaware, closed off, lost, and afraid to even be afraid. I was worried all the time. I worried so much that I worried about being worried. So trapped in a self I didn’t even know. 

I felt shame for wanting things. I didn’t believe that life was supposed to be about me at all. So, ironically, I lived trapped in a world consumed by me. Why are all of these other people here if I’m not supposed to worry about them? Where do I belong if I spend my time worried about what they want and what they think of me? That was a big part of what I worried about. I cared too much about what they thought of me. 

Then, I tried not caring at all. If I don’t care, maybe I won’t worry so much. I was too afraid and then too detached to see clearly. Be selfish and insecure, or unselfish and miserable. Damn… Then, I wanted it. That space for me to move. This wasn’t a whiny “look at me” cry, but a confident I’m gonna embrace it my way vibe. (You can read about my new version of not caring in That’s Why I Don’t Care – Coming Soon).

Right Side Up and Upside Down

It’s such a paradox. I’m a caring loving person who wants to do things her own way. But there is room between the selfish and unselfish. My world opened up in the in between. Somewhere between the right side up and the upside down, I found love for myself and this great big world. 

If this world isn’t here at least a little bit for me and what I want from it, then what’s it for? But, how do I live in it caring about what others want, think, and need enough to connect with them without sacrificing parts of myself? I think I can in the in between.

The world is huge- so many people. I’m just one little one of billions. But isn’t that awesome? I’m one. Of all of the trillions of ones that could be here, I am here. I’m small, but hugely rare. I’m common, but so precious. This contradiction is such a great reason to embrace everything with gratefulness and joy. 

I’m small enough to love and live freely without worrying that someone will try to use my power (FYI- we’re all small enough, and they only use you if you let them). At the same time, I know that I’m so rare that my life deserves appreciation for every single second of it. That’s why I’m in love. This world right now in my amazing twenties has so much for me. What I want, what I’ll find, what I can learn, what I’ve already learned.

I care what others think because I’m interested in what they think. I stopped caring what they think about me. If I live my life only following what they think of me, I’m adopting their view and ignoring mine. Instead, I care what they think about themselves, and if I can connect with that, we have a chance at having a common love. Somewhere between the world as it appears to me and the one that appears to them. 

When people are interested in the world, I want to hear about what they see and think about it. I don’t know if I was afraid of being wrong about how my world looked and felt, but I realize that I can’t be wrong if the feelings and thoughts are genuine and truthful. I suddenly have a lot to say about my first love. 

Lasting Love

When I think about all that there is to appreciate in the world, I think about the odds of it even being here to appreciate. There are billions of stars in the sky. There are many stars the size of Earth’s sun. That sun’s position is just right, though, for all of us to be here. I want to find out so much about this world, but I don’t want to spend time questioning why it’s here or doubting my place in it.

Every other love in my life comes from my first love and will be because of it. The world I love has meaning for me. This is probably the cheesiest thing I will write, but I know this is some serious gouda. How can I give or receive love from any other beings without loving the world that created them? My love will be returned to me exponentially.

The way I now understand love isn’t love found in some idea or ideal of someone. It’s found and grounded in the love for an expansive matrix of mysterious existence that has brought me here. The greatest unconditional love I will ever know is for me right here in all of it.

I have thought a lot about what I write here and who will read it. If just one person reads this, it will matter what I say next because I’m talking to them directly. So, deep breath, and here it is…

I promise that if you choose to love your world as it is right now with all of its beauty and it’s terrible, all of its perfection and its ugliness, you will find a freedom and acceptance that will completely fill your life with awe and wonder. You will find so much to love when you really see your world for yourself and what it can give knowing that it’s all there for you to take in. 

We are not here long enough to spend the time we have thinking only about what has happened and what might happen. We only have what is here now. And it is ours to want and discover. Let’s love all of it.

I love this world. I want to see as much of it as one lifetime will let me. I’ll keep sharing my love in so many ways as I continue to write this blog. Life is too full of wonder to keep it to myself. 

This is my love story.  Merry Christmas, Everyone!