That’s What I Want

Read Time: 7 minutes

The Light

I talk a lot about living life with what I want in it. A life being who I want to be. So, now that I’m actually living this way, what’s the result? This is a really simple answer. It’s a continuation. I’m going and doing the things that energize me – my passions. They help design the me I know I am. And now, I am that person who wants life in all the ways it can be lived. Grateful and free.

Life isn’t disappointing. This is true because what I want from life isn’t a goal or goals I have set. There may be goals that are necessary to do what I want to do, like saving money to travel or organizing content for the blog, but these goals are incidental. The life I want is not a goal. It’s a choice of how to live.

Actually achieving a life with what I want in it being who I want to be is not something I reach for. The life I want simply is. If I focus on living the life I want for tomorrow, I’ll never really live it. Only living how I want right now is the answer. It’s the only time I have.

It sounds impossible, though, right? It’s not. Just because I’m not always doing what I want doesn’t mean I’m not living the life I want. The two ideas are not the same thing, but it’s easy to believe that they are. If I live my life in the “doing” category, I miss being in my life. I’m not defined by what I do but by how I am. What I do comes from it. 

Kindness, excitement, adventurousness, happiness – these are all part of how I live, not what I do. The great part of this is that what I do gets woven through how I live. How I live is the foundation for what I do. What I want out of life is not made up of things or even places. It’s made up of experiencing humanity in all of its forms and seeing an integrated world of beauty and tragedy. I don’t think the beautiful and the tragic can be separated, but I do think they can be understood. It’s light here. Light and free and good when I remember to want it.

The Dark

The world doesn’t want me to. It doesn’t like a chosen life of dancing, traveling, writing, editing, and going to one million concerts (what an awesome goal, right?). I’m not supposed to. What am I thinking? No one comes out and says it, but they are thinking “is she allowed to do that?” People aren’t supposed to do that. They aren’t supposed to announce that they are doing what they want. What about all of us? We can’t let her be just anything.

We’re told when we’re little that we can and should be anything we want. That’s what life’s about, isn’t it? But, society doesn’t really think you’re going to believe it. They just don’t want to tell us we can’t when we’re young to keep us from figuring out how to escape. Being anything we want really means choosing from an already prepared and set list. Turns out that I found it very difficult to read in the dark.

People understand that rich people can do what they want. They’re allowed. Someone has paid for it. It’s not really questioned. It’s coveted. But, “regular” people aren’t supposed to want to experience life in a way that isn’t taken up at least 80% by “striving to succeed”. Even as a blogger I should be telling you how to get “what you want” by trying tried and true methods for success as I announce how many subscribers I have and how I’ve learned to increase my success rates. I’m even supposed to make you want my life. Ughhh…

But, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to tell you to be anything at all. If I wrote this blog for subscribers, it wouldn’t be this honest about social media and society. Go be whoever you want to be. I won’t spend the rest of my life, much less the rest of my twenties, not being the person I want to be. 

I think a lot of people need their life to be coveted to some extent to prove its worth. Not me. I don’t care. I don’t care if you think I’m selfish or greedy or manipulative in the ways I go about living my life. I know that the life I want isn’t any of those things. It’s simply the life I want. Ironically, if you think otherwise, you expect too much of me.

I’ll never be the person people think I should be. It’s dark in there. Ambition limits me and seeking validation drains me. You may get the best kind of energy from it. I don’t. My energy is in seeking new ideas and understanding. I’m energized by a world that has so much wonder. It’s thrilling to see the awesomeness found in different places and people. I’ll never fall for the letdown trap that this is “all there is” to see or experience. There is always more. The dark is also there, though. It hopes what I want from life will disappoint me and bring me back.

Stepping Out

I had to step out of the dark. It tried to get me to see what they told me to see, but I couldn’t. All my feelings and the bad voices (and even some of the protective good voices) said the dark was full of someone else’s plans. The bad voices told me I should trust the dark. But I knew the dark was hiding something. There were so many distractions that they blocked the light. Then, I knew that my life couldn’t have a map or a set of plans. Not if it was really mine. It’s lit up, though. And I’ve finally stepped into that light.

I want to dance. Dancing is an experience. Life is my dancer, so I get to dance. I want to go to concerts. Life is my performance, so I get to perform. I want to edit videos. Life is my canvas, so I get to paint. I want to write, so life is my writer. I get to write this blog because I’m free to write it and grateful for the chance. My life cycle is the foundation for all of my passions. Every passion is the result of my life.

None of the “things” I want to do in life are actual gains in a material sense. They are experiences. I will never “get” a dance or “get” a concert to keep like I can get a car. Getting something is not a way to find happiness. Happiness is in me and it lives through experiences.

The same is true with my human connections. Just as strongly as I want to live my passions is my desire to live and connect with amazing people. People make experiences better and they are the best way to learn more and more about life and the world. I’m stepping out into the light to see them more clearly and listen more closely. 

I write a lot about the dark and the light. The beautiful and the terrible. The collateral of all of it. I can’t live a whole life without recognizing both. I also can’t live a whole life without being aware of what is in the dark even though I’m not supposed to see it for what it really is. In contrast, everything that lights up in my life isn’t always fully formed. The light guides my way but it isn’t the way. There are so many ways I can go and so many things I can learn. That’s the best part of stepping out of the darkness.

Wanna Go? I’ll bring the flashlight!