That’s Too Much

Read Time: 7 minutes

Muchness

Sometimes it’s too much. The world feels like it’s spinning too fast. Not because it’s scary. Not exactly, anyway. It’s scary, yes, but it’s scary good. So good sometimes that I wonder if I’ve missed something. Not the FOMO kind, but missed the part that balances out the awesome. 

Have I missed that part that will come for me and change it all back? Have I forgotten the Boogeyman too well? Has the disappearing ink faded too fast? When I see so much that is amazing, when I feel it so strongly, I wonder if I’m the only one. I know people feel alone in tragedy and grief, and I might feel it at some point in the future, too. Maybe I already have. But this feeling isn’t lonely. It’s strange. I wonder if I’m the only one, but also know that, if I am, I don’t want to go back.

At this point in my twenties, the awesome has been pretty incredible for almost five years. Some not so great things have happened, but the awesome stayed somehow. This is the “too much” part. I don’t really know how it stayed. I’m not sure what I’m seeing (it’s a lot), or doing (also a lot) that keeps it going. 

My passion for learning makes it too much sometimes. I wonder if I just need to figure out how it all got so awesome so I can settle in. But, paradoxically, I have no intention of settling in for anything. Not settling is ironically part of the awesome. Not knowing is also kinda awesome.

Of course, there was and is the shift (see That’s So Shifty: Paradise Lost and That’s So Shifty: Paradise Found ). I’ve written about it many times. My shift into awesome is even more amazing because I recognize that the world keeps getting brighter as it’s happening. It keeps shifting. I’m so good with an always shifting, moving, and changing life. I don’t want to settle. It’s realizing that I won’t be settling in that I need to get a little more familiar with.

I want to understand why never understanding seems so good. I want to stay a little uncomfortable so I can feel the anxiety that is actually driving the never understood. This anxiety is a pull toward more learning, seeing, and living. It’s different from the anxious feeling of waiting for the world to come to me. It’s like figuring out that I’ll get what I deserve but only if I move into it.

I’ve said that I’m good with a world without a map. I’m on the road less traveled and just so I can keep quoting Robert Frost, it has made all the difference. The difference is also what can be too much. That I actually want to learn to move is still surprising. Sometimes, I’m surprised that I want as much as I do. To see the love and feel the joy still makes me dizzy.

Too Little

What was it like when I didn’t feel the joy? What was it like when I didn’t see the potential in the awesome? It was slow and too fast at the same time. The fog was thick. The lights were dim. Was I depressed? Maybe. Was I just a teenager who needed time to adjust? Maybe. But, neither of those explains the other side.

I could have absorbed the foggy and just settled on it being life. I could have believed that going into adulthood meant I felt like this. That’s just life. But, it’s not just life. Why? Because the joy is there. It’s actually there for me. Joy is what my life gets to have. The smiles and laughter and brightness. There is opportunity in joy. There is education in it. I bring it in and I get to hand it out. 

The “muchness” of life can be overwhelming for sure. Most of the time, people try not to be overwhelmed. When it comes to living a life that’s too little to experience being overwhelmed, I’ll go bigger. The world is big. That’s why it can hold so many connections. And even so it seems small because the connections are strong. Those connections hold joy and then return that joy to me.

Ughhh, Callie. You’re so mushy… I know. It’s quite sweet and sparkly, right? Life is, though. It really can be. Maybe you’re reading this and saying, sure, for you it can be. Your life is blessed and easy. I say that having a life in and of itself is a blessing. Living is easy and hard. It’s complicated and simple. It’s knowing this that builds a life of so many layers.

Life can be this way for you, too. There are things in my life that came with it. These things definitely made it easier. There are other things, though, that my life ended up with. Not so easy. None of it’s in competition with the rest of it. No one easy thing makes any one life easier than another. There is always a weight to balance it out.

Maybe you disagree. Maybe you believe that having enough money where someone doesn’t have to work or worry is that thing. Even if I had the money, a life of not working for me means not learning. This isn’t a life that allows my wholeness to thrive. As for the worry, people seem to find that no matter what the circumstance. Worry comes and goes with perspective. 

Maybe you believe that it’s having a supportive and loving family that makes a life better than another. Yes, having that family is awesome. They have their own lives, though. My joy can be connected to them, but it doesn’t stay only because of them.

Maybe you believe that having that one amazing life long relationship is the thing that makes a life, or having children is the one difference that makes the most of it. That one relationship can be great. But, I don’t live believing that finding one person holds the key to joy. Again, joy can be connected to that person, but it doesn’t stay or grow because of them. Same answer with children. Joy can be connected, but it doesn’t live with them. 

What is Mine

Selfishly, I’ve decided and am now so certain that my joy is mine alone. The way I lean into the “too much of life” is to be really good with knowing that joy is with me because of me. We can share joy, but my joy will be unique to me. This is where it gets so awesome. The difference in a life of too little and one that has the potential to stay on the border of too much is me.

From knowing that life comes with the spectrum of heavy and light, easy and hard, dark and bright, I can live in all of it. I understand that the weight of the world feels strangely enlightening at times. The fluffy stuff has its own lessons, too. When I’m not afraid to jump into the bad parts, the good parts look different. They look like more than I ever thought I needed or could have.

It’s all mine, and I can add on. Oh, my goodness it’s too much sometimes. What is bright could get brighter. What is sparkly could get shinier. What is heavy could mean I get to build more strength to hold it. More of the joy that can be mine so the amazing parts become even more amazing.

So in Love with the Muchness…