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Regretting This Verse
I guess I believe in the multiverse, at least a little bit. Why? Because I know what regret feels like and wish I didn’t. I guess we all believe in it a little. I definitely know I’m not the only one who has experienced pain after something goes wrong because of me. That’s when I wish I had chosen differently.
This life has many roads not taken. Once missed, these roads become wishes to do it all over. A second chance to walk down that now abandoned road. Those wishes mean that I believe fantastically in the possibility of different outcomes. Maybe they are possible in some other universe. But, I don’t know how to get there from here after that verse has been written. So, what is the point of spending time thinking like I can?
Maybe believing that it could have gone differently is comforting for a little while. For me, though, it always ends up feeling like a torture chamber. Stuck, guilty, and helpless. Most of the regret that I feel seems to come from the same place. A place where I was either not kind to someone or unkind to myself. A place where I expected more than someone could live up to. A place where I expected way too much of the me who just hadn’t learned yet where reaching into the multiverse seemed like an easy fix.
“Believing in the multiverse means constantly thinking that some other version holds the key to a better me. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow as her.”
The multiverse is a fascinating idea. The idea that we live in unknown but simultaneous versions of our lives where different choices have the potential to make hugely different outcomes. Believing in the multiverse means constantly thinking that some other version holds the key to a better me. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow as her. She can save me from whatever horrible decisions I’ve made. Believing this way means there is an inherent and constant judgment of this me after the “bad” choice. I’ll always be looking backward stuck in the idea that I should’ve made that left turn at Albuquerque 😃. If I had, I wouldn’t be suffering right now.
What I have learned is that believing in a multiverse with different versions of me is awful. I’ll save it for SciFi and the world of quantum physics. First of all, I’ll never know for sure that turning the other way means I wouldn’t be suffering. Secondly, I’m the only one who can save myself from suffering in this universe. Finally, I know that feeling regret can only mean I might need to learn something and change somehow. I have to learn for the next experience and not dwell on the one that’s no longer in front of me. Regret isn’t part of what I live with anymore.
The Boogeyman
If I give it power, regret becomes my self-made version of the Boogeyman. My personal demogorgon who can master my fate. Something hiding in the shadows that scares me into believing that my life is at half strength. The other half of my life belongs to that Boogeyman. That frightened half will stop me from living a full life now if I let it.
It’s not just the big stuff in my twenties, either, like regretting not keeping that job, saving that money, or trying harder in school to become someone “better”. It’s spending time dwelling on the stuff I don’t like about myself. All kinds of little regretful choices rolled up together. Like eating too much or not working as hard as I could. Not standing up for myself or being afraid to tell someone the truth about how I feel. When I really think about how much living I do in fear of the Boogeyman, it really takes my breath away. How much time have I spent back there? In all the places I wish were different so life could be different now. A life that’s never good enough.
“Whether the actual outcome of my choices is what I wanted is relative to the life I expect.”
What life am I expecting? I’m certain that when I was dwelling on what was behind me, the expectations were too high. The right choices are always the ones where I am kind. Choices that have empathy with the realization that we’re all in this one universe with the chance to believe in the kindness of each other.
Whether the actual outcome of my choices is what I wanted is relative to the life I expect. If I expect kindness, I won’t be disappointed. I’m capable of expecting to be treated kindly. So are you. Other versions of me are capable of it. They are also capable of suffering, being unkind and selfish, and self-pity. I’m choosing to fight for the kindest, most selfless parts of me so I don’t pass my pain and suffering on to others. I have the choice to show kindness. It’s the best and most “right” choice I can make.
It’s a fight because that Boogeyman can still scare me. There are parts of me who like to stay in the paralyzing fear where I don’t risk disappointing everyone and myself. A fear that feels safer somehow than reaching for all my power and courage. The subtle courage I’m finding is the kind where I don’t just go along with what life seems to hand me without actively participating and pursuing what I want life to be.
My life is wanting to find the next verse and really listen to this one. The lyrics of my life and the paradox it sings about are amazing already. My world is where this version of me is the only right one because it’s the only one. But, my world’s paradox has all the possibilities of the multiverse. All I have to do is face them and not be afraid to choose.
Oogie Boogie!!
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