That’s My Matrix

Read Time: 6 minutes

Twisting and Turning

In prior posts, I’ve written about the framework I see in society and how I feel about being in it or out of it. How it’s made up of rules that have never really made sense to me. This awareness is great. It helps me deal with wanting things for my life that don’t necessarily make sense. Some people believe that society’s framework should be right for everyone. The majority has spoken. 

For me, though, it isn’t quite right. There are these expectations for what I’m supposed to do next, how I’m supposed to do it, and when it should be accomplished. It’s assumed that I should want this for myself, but I don’t. Now what?

What do I do if I really am choosing to live outside of society’s expectations? Outside where I’m not defined by my education, job title, whether I’m part of a couple, or if I’m going to be a mom. Other people are fine with society’s definitions of who we should be. But, I had to finally accept that I don’t want to try to live up to or in these expectations. 

Okay. I accept that I’m making choices based on my perception of society. I’m choosing not to follow what is expected of me. Where does this take me? I doubt I can live my life simply proclaiming that I don’t want these rules for myself. I also don’t think I can live my life saying that I’m just going to do whatever I want. The simple fact that society has set these expectations makes this challenging. So, where do I go from here?

My choice to live outside of the framework means that I have to be the solo architect of my life. Good. I want to be the designer, builder, and inhabitant of it. Yes, all three. I don’t want to take someone else’s design, copy it, build it, and then find myself living in a foreign place. I don’t want to look back and say “how did I get here and where the hell have I been?”

I’m designing my matrix. I’m building it and I’m already living in it. It will be massive sometimes. Sometimes it will be very small. It doesn’t really matter. Where I think I’m going will change. What I think I’m going to do will change. Who I’m becoming will change. All of this works for me. It’s true to how I perceive my life. One that is full of twists and turns. 

How do I keep building this matrix? How do I take what I want and design and build it? First, I learn. Constantly. I’ve already learned that the design will never be complete. I will be designing, building, and living my life simultaneously throughout it. My education is and will be taking place for the rest of it. 

Secondly, I won’t stop to think about whether I should slow down or settle down. The pace will not be a sliding scale and it won’t be constant. The comfort levels will change. I won’t try to pace my life and I won’t try to keep it moving in one direction. If I do, I’ll be in a framework designed and built by someone else. I want a life where the twists and turns are part of my design with room for the unexpected.

Finally, I know that there is and will be happiness, sadness, joy, pain, fear, and exhilaration in all of the twists and turns. These emotions are just one movement away from each other. For my life, I’m their designer. I can build a matrix where I feel joy with all of its awesomeness and one that can lean into pain with all of its terribleness. 

I can also tear down what needs to be redesigned when life brings sadness and pain. I don’t anticipate or dwell in sadness or pain. This will let me be the redesigner of my life so I can keep pain from controlling it. To have power over it, I’m weaving my matrix in a way that lets me move. The fear I feel can guide me or stop me. Fear and exhilaration are frenemies in my matrix. So much of life is exhilarating. Even facing my fears.

Outside

In some ways, I accept that life will always be a little bit scary. There are no guarantees for acceptance, belonging, connection, and especially for sustainability. No one has these guarantees, but I think the framework of society leads people to believe that they do. They don’t. That’s an illusion. In my matrix, I’m not designing a safety net or even the illusion of one to fall back on. Instead, my matrix has ways to live that let me feel connected with others through my passions while sustaining my life.

By moving in all the mysterious directions I want to go, all I really have to be is ready. Ready to open up all the doors, fall down all the missed steps, get back up, run, walk, crawl, and most importantly be ready to remind myself that this life outside is what I really want. I want to learn how to run, fall, get back up and run again in my twenties. This is where I have space to experiment and grow and change unlike any other decade of my life.

It’s really scary to be vulnerable, especially at such a young age. But, I’m going to keep moving. I’m learning what is good and right for me all the time. I’m choosing to be the lifelong architect of my matrix. I’ve already taken the red pill and realized the truth in my matrix. No, not that pill. Not the one where men think I’m evil 🙄. I don’t and never will want that kind of “enlightenment”. My red pill is the one with the realization that the architect of my life is me. I’m so grateful. Even better is knowing that I don’t need a cure.

It’s so beautiful out here!