That’s Before and After – A ‘That’s So Shifty’ Interlude

Read Time: 7 minutes

Before (Lost)

A strange thought keeps popping up when I think about my life before. Before I decided to change it. My life before had so much that it doesn’t have now. It had hesitation. It had resentment. It had uncertainty. Not the every once in a while kind of each of those things, but the all the time kind. “Before” felt like I was living someone else’s life. A place where the Callie I know now could never exist.

That’s the wonder of my matrix. Yes, time is linear, but it isn’t completely straight. Not in my matrix. It only moves forward, but it pauses to show me a life beyond. Beyond the tunnel that I almost settled into. This is the thought that pops into my head. My life was almost a life of “just okay”. Good, but narrow. Fine, but shielded with no room to move.

I think a lot of people live in this “okay” matrix. The matrix where maybe someday better than okay will find them. Just waiting. I call it living in the “I’m fine”. The “I’m fine” is a place where people wish they could tell the stranger who’s asking “how they are…” that they are not actually fine today. That it really isn’t okay. They are waiting for better, but for some reason, they just can’t seem to make it anywhere but to the next just okay. To the next “I’m fine”.

For this post, I’m going to break my rule and play “what if” with the past. Just this once, please indulge my hypocrisy. I need to break the rule here. I want to document this particular imprint. Understanding the lessons in my shifting life will help me keep growing. This growth is the foundation for the gratitude I feel. The foundation for my awesome.

So, here I go…

What would have happened if my life hadn’t shifted? If I hadn’t said “What am I doing? Why am I living my life in flashes and in pieces wishing and hoping that they will turn into something?” The most likely answer is that my life would have kept moving in that straight tunnel of fast but steady resistance to what I really wanted. I would not see the chances to look beyond. No place to take in and really see the beauty in life. Missing the beauty, I’d miss the collateral beauty, too. A life where I spent this precious time staying barely ahead of depression. Just a half step away from the suck.

I was choosing flashes and pieces that I thought would get me to the better. Only sometimes though. The rest of the time I was just wishing. I took from my past only the puzzle pieces that kept me okay. Sometimes I just reshaped them to stay away from the scary stuff. Only the parts that I thought should fit. Pieces I hoped to put together to find some form of happiness.

Living like this was a waste of my life. All I knew was that I had experienced moments that were good. I believed I needed them again to be okay and to stay in the “I’m fine”. Now I know that even then I didn’t want to be just okay or even fine. I wanted my life to be amazing. Ironically, it already was. I just had to notice it. I had to pay attention to myself. To my life. Not the life I was trying to piece together from other people’s lives or the moments from my past that clicked for just a second. I want this life. My life right now with its huge twisty matrix. 

After (Found)

That’s what I’ve shifted into. A beautiful and easy complexity (yep, I contradicted myself on purpose). Life is work, but if I make it too hard, I’ll pull away from it. It’s so easy to make life harder than it needs to be. By waiting and wishing. By judging and controlling. By looking outward first instead of in. That’s the hard way. But life doesn’t have to be hard to be complex and interesting. Its shiftiness is part of what makes it so amazing.

My matrix is messy, twisted, and a little off balance. Sometimes it’s a little blurry. What it isn’t is hard to navigate. I can find my way because I know the answers won’t always be there but somehow I’ll never be truly lost. I’m moving but I’m grounded, too. In connections, in commonality, in recognizing differences, and in humanity.

It’s me who creates the foundation for who I am. I can do this without the world revolving around me. The world turns anyway. It doesn’t turn because of me, but I can live in it with me in mind. Being mindful to me means that I recognize the uniqueness of my perspective. I’m grateful for it. That gratefulness allows me to appreciate your perspective.

That’s how my matrix turns and twists. So much to see and learn in my appreciation of you and all the other people I get to connect with. Some people don’t like the idea that life can be this way. It scares them to be outside of the tunnel. They’re right. It’s scary. But, it’s still worth it to see the world beyond just okay. The better than okay is out there waiting to be seen.

People talk a lot about plans. I’ve said before that I like planning. I like having my plane ticket ready. What I’ve realized though is that what I thought were plans were actually wishes. People talk about who they will meet and marry and how many kids they will have and where they will live. Maybe these are part dreams and part wishes. Maybe they are trying to manifest the whole adult part of their life. Whatever they’re doing, it seems to take up a lot of their time. And, after spending all that time, they’re still in the tunnel waiting for all of their plans to happen or missing it when they do.

I don’t live in the “I’m going to someday” world where I spend my days thinking of what I will be eventually and that it will all be figured out when… All the moments I spent being lost in that tunnel are behind me. My world outside of it is where I know what it’s like to be free to move anyway.

I’ve found an amazing awareness. I know what better than okay is. It’s free of regret, hesitation, and resentment. It’s so full of surprises but not uncertainty. Uncertainty is not knowing how to move or feel or want. I’m not uncertain. I’m aware that life is full of mysteries. Mystery and surprise are exciting and full of lessons about life and the world. I’m aware of where I almost was. Now, I’m living life where I am. Outside in the twists and turns where I’m finding more and more.

The complexity of life is what makes me unqualified to tell you how to live yours. None of my blog posts are going to give you tips and lists of how to live a better life. I’m just going to tell you some of the awesome and challenging parts of mine and ask you to share anything about yours. Whatever you want to share. I will keep sharing my adventures and experiences and all of the good and bad that comes with them. That’s what I want most from this part of my life. To share, connect, and learn.

My Afterlife is incredible. And the Shift continues…