That’s The Beginning – A ‘That’s So Shifty’ Prequel

Read Time: 5 minutes

This is a prequel to That’s So Shifty – Paradise Lost and That’s So Shifty – Paradise Found. Read these first!

Ghost of Me

A shifting life is like unlimited chances to hit the reset button. Life is new, especially the sensations. But, instead of brand new, my shift feels more like resetting and starting over. The sensations are actually not new at all. I’m just finally really feeling them. I’m actually tapping into what they are telling me. Like being aware that the tingly feeling in my gut that runs up through my neck to my head is telling me that I’m finally moving. Change is happening.

These are signals that I’ve uncovered something. The courageous part of me is awake, but she’s scared. It’s like being two people at the same time. One is the girl who anxiously waited for the world to find her. A scared and stuck version of me. The other is the girl finally trying to be the woman who knows it’s been waiting for her to discover. She is also scared, but she is too excited to care.

I can still feel that other me. She’s more like a ghost now. I feel her fading like the disappearing ink in Tom Riddle’s diary [More on this magical ink in That’s My Disappearing Life], What her imprint does, though, is teach me. She reminds me that I was waiting for someone or something to fix me. I was letting myself absorb pain and hold it. I was letting myself be defined by everyone but me. 

But now, I know that these sensations are evidence that it’s okay to want my life. I can walk away from what doesn’t feel good or right. I don’t have to adapt to other people’s perceptions of me. My life is going to be lived in pursuit of what I want most.

It’s all really simple, actually. The feelings are not complex. I was just afraid of feeling all of them. The girl and the woman are in conflict. The girl tells me that I have to be cautious and wait. Once I move, I might not be able to stop. The woman says move forward. Keep going. You have to move to get where you want to go even if you don’t know how.

It’s like waking up in the future, but without the gap where I have to wonder how I got here. I know that somewhere along the way I let courage take over. I know that to be the person who moves as boldly as I can into the world, I had to change. I was never going to be someone who claimed anything for herself without guilt and bitterness if I didn’t. 

The ghost who stays behind me may not always be there. But, for now anyway, she is. Without her at this point in my shift, I wouldn’t be able to connect strongly enough with the world I see in front of me. I didn’t wake up one day and say, “Huh, that’s weird. I feel different.” It wasn’t like that. This shift is growing. A new voice is coming through.

This voice is challenging me not to wait. It’s telling me that I can change my life now. It starts with how I interact and react with my family, friends, and even strangers. I can tell them the truth about the girl and the woman. That’s why I feel like two people sometimes. I still know how I interacted with people before. I can feel the sting of not being my true self and honoring what I wanted. I played the part I thought they wanted to see. I have shifted my energy, though. The courageous woman in me finally found her power.

As awesome as my shift sounds, not every situation suddenly has blissful understanding and connection. I’m not always successful in my awareness. My more complicated relationships sometimes bring out my ghost, but not very often. This strange place between these two people inside me is my temporary classroom where I’m learning about both parts of me.

I do understand so much more now than I did when I first identified that sensation from my gut. I get that I won’t change others directly just because I’ve changed, but I know that my perception of them has. This gives me a chance in those relationships to be better. I know that how I connect and how I react doesn’t have to bring bitterness with it. It doesn’t have to bring the assumptions of how people will treat me. It doesn’t have to bring fear and insecurity. I’m not scared of revealing the real me anymore.

Hauntingly Real

I did hit that reset button. This time, I know where I’m going. It’s not on a map, but it’s a real place. I’m starting at the beginning and moving into the life I believe I’m worthy of living. It’s so many places and people and experiences. It doesn’t have one destination. It has lots of destinations. I’ll worry sometimes, but I won’t stay there. I’ll still disappoint myself, but I won’t hold onto that disappointment. I’ll be scared, and that’s how I know the courage is still there. I’ll fail, and that’s actually pretty awesome. I might even be good at it.

I’m still learning from my ghost. I want her to hang out a little longer. She was a little scary at first and I had to work to keep from avoiding her. After I felt that new courage, I didn’t want to remember how I was once. But now, I appreciate that imprint that she’s leaving. Recognizing what my fears were is so important to appreciating my life now. I don’t know how to keep my courage if I don’t learn from my life before I found it.

Like so many of you, I want life to have meaning. Part of that meaning is in this ghost story. The brilliant way that life has moved to this point is full of it. I will love more deeply, feel more joy, and appreciate it all because I know my ghost. I know that love, joy, and gratitude don’t come to me. I shifted into them. This ride is scary and beautiful. It’s hauntingly real, and it’s amazing.

Want to go on the haunted ride with me?

Check out “My Vibe” on the Poems page