That Slow Burn

Read Time: 4 minutes

Warming Up

The changes in my life over the last three years are like a slow growing burn. It burns like a creeping build up of realization, understanding, and awe. I use the term “slow burn” not to express growing anger or annoyance, but a gradual increase in my awareness of the beauty that life can hold.

It feels a little like being warmed up by a campfire. Once there was a chill in my approach to life. I felt separated and left out. Nothing dramatic happened to me. Nothing like waking up from a nightmare or like a jump scare. Jarring life changing trauma can certainly change someone’s perspective. I get that, but even without that life changing experience, my life has still dramatically shifted.

Life feels warm and glowy. It sparkles and crackles. So many possibilities I didn’t see before. In the slow burn, time is relative. Space to move is everywhere. Just knowing how to enjoy the ride everyday has changed everything.

What once made me apprehensive and worried is now exciting. What once just seemed like uncertainty is now mysterious curiosity. What is there to see and feel that I was afraid to see and feel before?  

Slowing down and looking around sparks something within me. Why we are here is not as important as always realizing that I am here. I won’t waste time trying to unlock my reasons for living or trying to create a legacy. Not knowing why we are here means a life of asking “why not?”

Two “No Ways”

Using my time to create what will be left when I’m not here is what speeds time up. If I’m not here, what is left is there for someone else. That space isn’t for me to linger. Freeing myself from the heavy responsibility of what I leave behind is awesome. I get this time. I get this place. Behind me is out of reach.

When I stopped putting energy into controlling what would happen when I left the room, I started enjoying being in the room. Slow is good. Too fast and I’ll miss it. It’s possible to live feeling the slow burn of a warm and exciting life. Calm but giddy, centered but not afraid to lose my balance. The paradox of slowly burning. It’s a fire I don’t want to put out. This spark of realization means my life is and will glow.

I see two ways life gets away from people. One is solely focusing on building something for a life after this one. The motives are good, but this life shouldn’t be sacrificed for that one. Living a good and decent life? Sure. It’s a solid foundation. We need to be kind and good to make this life beautiful. The next life, if we get one, will easily be taken care of by making the most out of this one.

The other way is to worry too much about this life as it might exist tomorrow. Especially by regretting yesterday. I really don’t want to spend my young and middle years for my later ones or making up for the earlier ones. These years are just as important as the ones before and after with one difference. This year is the only one I have now. I’ll focus on it.

I Get To…

Life revolving around a life I might have in twenty years wastes today’s life. Postponing life now to work toward a prediction of tomorrow only predicts that I won’t be living my actual life. It leaves no room for “why not?”

So, why not? Why should I not see the world now? Why not lean into the feeling of that slow burn? Why not write it all down now? Why not hug and dance and help and love and eat? Why not be more aware everyday that I get to create the life that burns slowly, glows, and sparkles? I get to be and do the stuff that lights up this life. I can’t think of any reason not to.

Why not now?