That’s All That Matters

Read Time: 6 minutes

We all know someone who believes their life should go in a certain direction, with certain things happening in a certain timeframe, in a particular place, with all of it carefully chosen. They believe they should have certain things that people in the bubbles around them have. People should understand these beliefs and support them unconditionally. It matters to them. It should matter to me.

It doesn’t matter to me, though. Their life, their choices. They’re not my choices. But I struggle with my part of the relationship with people who see the world this way. I struggle because I know that I’m not the person they seem to need me to be. We see life very differently. 

Sometimes they don’t really understand what’s going on when things don’t work out. Then, they act like everything went exactly as planned, anyway. They aren’t usually particular about everyday stuff, but as for the big picture? They see their life’s trajectory as being on a very narrow path. If they stray from it, people will notice and judge.

This is hard to watch. It’s hard to follow. It’s hard to be a part of. Why? Because I just don’t get why having a particularly curated life matters so much. I even love these people. They have been in my life for years. It’s difficult, though, to keep a connection with someone who not only believes that their life can be completely controlled and curated, but also believes that if I don’t believe in a life like this, I’m living the wrong kind of life.

I don’t see them as living the wrong kind of life. I just see them choosing to live life in a way that will probably bring a lot of disappointment. They have already built up a lot of resentment toward people they believe have not been who they need them to be.

I don’t understand their view of the world. I’m totally aware that life can’t and won’t work like anyone plans. This is not MY universe. This is THE universe. I don’t get to control it. Neither do any of these people. The denial that stuff just happens for no reason is a long slow way through life trying to change particular parts of the past and control the future. 

I’m afraid that they might spend their lives constantly excusing their choices and finding ways to blame family, spouse(s), friends, kid(s), pets, and anyone anywhere that might appear to be in any way responsible for their choices not going how they wanted them to. They will do this because they have to. Their certain path is non-negotiable. Anyone who challenges is the one whose expectations of them are too high.

Wait… I’m not big on expectations. Am I seriously saying now that I have them? No, and this is an important point. I actually don’t have expectations. They do, though, and they confuse them with mine. I know this because everytime things don’t go as planned, I’m the one that misunderstood their plan. 

My relationship with them has been spent with me taking and understanding their directions. I try to go with plans the way they need them to go. They’re particular. I’m not so much. I like doing lots of things, so I’m usually good. When they change their plans, though, I’m getting tired of being the one who expected too much. I’m tired of being the friend who isn’t so good at being friends.

I don’t even complain. I’m usually just expressing surprise that we aren’t doing what we talked about doing. That’s never allowed, though. Their plan suddenly worked out fine. What was my problem? Couldn’t I see that they were not to be inconvenienced by what I expected?

I just can’t see life the way they do now that I’ve seen it differently. I can’t be the person that plans and hopes and then says I’m disappointed in whoever because I assumed it was their job to not let anything go wrong. I can’t act like I’m the only one that knows how to communicate. I can’t bitch and moan about my life and then five minutes later say that this is what I wanted all along. I can’t act like I’m the only one who can handle life while everyone else is so upset while also acting like I don’t understand why they might be upset in the first place.

This way of seeing the world takes so much of the world out of the equation. It also takes a lot of negative energy to be so positive. Please don’t live your life trying to control the world and then act like the world is happening to you when you lose control. Those two approaches don’t go together.

I know I can’t control the vast majority of what happens in my life. There are too many things happening and too many people I want to have around for me to even think a lot of control is possible. Also, how arrogant is it to believe the world happens to us? 

People may have to live in a “happening to me” world because they need to protect themselves. They may need to accept that they have insecurities that they don’t believe can be changed. They may even say that it’s always true that the world is happening to them because people just suck and they do shit to other people, and it seems like it is always them.

Here’s the interesting part. None of that matters. The reasons don’t matter because no one should get that far in the reasoning process. We literally cannot control most of what happens to us. If none of us can control it, then none of it can be happening to us particularly. It’s just happening. We may physically be “in the wrong place at the wrong time”, but if we really think about that statement, it’s only true in reverse.

A “happening to me” world is an arrogant approach to life. The belief starts with and ends with me. So much happens that has nothing to do with me, though. If I can’t see that, I will live in denial that the world exists with me or without me. If it’s happening to me, then it’s happening only because I exist. This is never true.

The truth is that a world without me doesn’t look much different. But my world can still look amazing if I allow it to happen for me just a little bit. It’s my world just as much as I can grab onto it and see it for all it can give me. Along with the understanding that the rest just happens, I’ll have a big wide open beautiful life.

Nothing Else Matters…