That’s Tricky

Read Time: 5 minutes

The Only

I’ve learned enough in life so far to understand how easy it is to give parts of myself away to someone or something else or to let them take pieces of me. I’ve written about this A LOT. It’s important. No matter who or what it is that can receive or take these pieces of me, I know that I allow it to be someone or something “other” than me. In the end, though, aren’t I really the only one involved?

I have so many parts of me that are developing that it can be hard to keep track. So much of my life is still ahead and exciting. But, oddly, I don’t want to share some of it. I feel so amazing about what I have that I’m not sure I want to risk piecing it off. So many women I have talked to or read about have described the experience of “losing” themselves in a relationship. As easy as it would be to just blame the patriarchy, the patriarchy has no power to cause me to get lost.

The lessons I’ve learned from pulling back pieces of me that I gave away run pretty deep. They mean that I understand how important it is to feel and experience myself as a whole person. Not just saying I’m a whole person, but understanding how it feels. This can be a struggle. Trying to balance it with relationships and experiences is tough. I want to shout how awesome life is, but sometimes, I want to keep the awesomeness to myself. 

Maybe this is one reason why I don’t feel lonely or bored. My world is full of electricity, excitement, and joy. Still, I have this little fear that says I’m not supposed to feel this way. It isn’t quite acceptable. Maybe I shouldn’t let it show. I’ve said I don’t care about what life is supposed to look like, and I really don’t. But, I’m still left with a feeling that seems to be questioning the “rightness” of my choices.

A Bit Tricky

I don’t want to get lost again, but I don’t want to be afraid to lose my way. It’s a tricky space. I have confidence that pieces of me are not in danger of being given or taken, but what does that really mean for a lifetime? Don’t I have to learn lessons by risking more than I think I can handle? I’m figuring this out. 

I do know for certain that my life is mine to design even if it means changing the design when what I can’t control takes total control. I also know that recognizing what is acceptable in relationships is difficult when it seems so easy to get lost in what is or isn’t. I get lost in so many other ideas of what might be right. 

I might need more examples of what is right or what is not so good. This may not be something I can just observe and then apply. I might have to dive in knowing that I’ll need to learn how to pull back out or how to stay without losing myself.

Blur

The movement of women toward a life outside of societal pressures to “have it all” or to be slowly oppressed might be happening. I’ve already had experiences where I wonder if I’m seeing things or being too sensitive because “I’m a girl”. It’s blurry. 

I think a lot of people question their role in society from the perspective of their gender. They also look to all the “norms”. I don’t really think gender matters. I think understanding what society believes it needs from me, like being “normal”, does.

Since my shift, I’ve realized that certain ideas are relative. If I feel manipulated, it’s as real as knowing. If I have an emotional response, it’s legit. It might not be the emotional response it appears to be, but something is going on. It’s not because I’m a sensitive woman. It’s because I’m aware.

It’s my responsibility to get out of the way when someone is taking more than is good for me. It isn’t up to others to take all the blame. My awareness lets life slowly reveal itself and help me with what comes next. 

What is becoming clear is that people bring a lot of life with them. They bring some parts of that life with the belief that it will be better by taking what they believe they need from others. That doesn’t work for me. But, I do understand it. I understand that life is blurry for them, too.

I’m thinking things through but not slowing down. I want to continue to find the balance and weave through the matrix. It turns out that we really are all in a matrix. There is definitely a design we cannot understand. But, awareness means I see it for what it is and for what it can be. Life is tricky and it will surprise me. I want it to surprise all of me. Not just the pieces that I’m left with. I get to keep it all for myself. 

Oh, Those Tricky Blurry Bits…