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Reversal
“Being comfortable when I used to be uncomfortable is actually pretty great.”
What used to be uncomfortable isn’t anymore. In fact, those uncomfortable parts have traded places with what I thought was comfortable. I’m comfortable being alone whether it’s eating alone in public, seeing a movie, or even taking a domestic or international trip. Before life shifted I wouldn’t have done any of them.
As for being comfortable, it used to be comfortable to wait for something or someone to happen or approach me. Now, so uncomfortable. I have places to go and things I want to do. I have to ask the question and figure stuff out. Waiting for someone to figure it out for me is so uncomfortable.
Some of these reversals have strange consequences. I share my opinion more comfortably. This shift means I seem to interrupt more. People take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to talk over them. I’m just excited that we are talking about interesting stuff. I’m working on this one. It needs more balance.
Being comfortable when I used to be uncomfortable is actually pretty great. I’m not talking about adrenaline rushes here in case you’re thinking that I’m just an adventure junkie. Well, maybe sometimes. 😊 I’m also comfortable now when there is silence. I used to hate it. I needed the TV on or music or something to remind me of the outside world or help me drown out the inside one. Now, though, silence is slow and easy and the best time to know what I’m smelling or seeing or touching without the noise.
The Middle
“Twenty-somethings are living in a time when no matter which way they go, there is a group that says it’s the wrong way.”
I’m so much more comfortable not taking a side. People have so many opinions. I thought I had to have my own all sorted out. I don’t. I don’t have to decide that I’m a feminist or traditional or girl boss or anything society says that, once I’ve labeled myself, I have to be or act a certain way. I can have opinions on politics and not be political. I shouldn’t have to answer for how I chose or thought in the past. I’ve learned. I don’t owe anyone anything for changing my mind.
I don’t like being wishy washy, but I’d rather be open to new ideas than closed off. Labels are used to define people in very narrow ways. But, I’m also aware that there are labels that define situations in helpful ways. Ways that provide guidance in the darkness. Language is finite, but it’s the best tool I have to learn and communicate about the world.
Once the label sticks, it’s hard to move away from it. Once I am labeled, people can easily seek only to confirm that I really do fit into that category. But, because I know labels are narrow and people aren’t, I don’t get stuck in them.
I think this is why dating in my generation has become so complicated. There are too many labels and too many categories. Too many of the labels and categories conflict. Too many of the categories assume way too much.
Twenty-somethings are living in a time when no matter which way they go, there is a group that says it’s the wrong way. If I want a family and children more than anything else, I’m disrespecting people who don’t. If I want to stay single, I’m somehow saying that relationships are toxic. If I want to focus on a career, I’m missing out on the family that is supposed to make me the happiest I could ever be. Somehow, I must also think that men suck. If I don’t say anything, I can’t make up my mind and will die alone.
Everyone is sad or angry for everyone else’s choices. But, aren’t they really sad or mad because it’s more comfortable if everyone’s choices look like theirs? Aren’t people really saying that I just haven’t learned enough about life to choose what they have chosen because they’re smarter? Ironically, I agree with part of this. I haven’t and will never learn enough. I don’t think it’s because I’m not smart. I think it’s okay to live without confirming or affirming my choices.
Simple
“My choices tomorrow only make it possible for me to be even happier.”
Simply believing that I can choose is a comfortable belief in a world that wants me to be uncomfortable choosing. It means that I can believe that having a husband and family is a good choice. It’s also a good choice to focus on a career that is successful and brings joy. It’s also just fine to have both or neither. My choices don’t have to be based on a theory of what makes other people happy. As I’ve stated before, my happiness is here with me. My choices tomorrow only make it possible for me to be even happier.
I can find conflict between any two ideas and attack someone else’s belief. But, I’d rather be uncomfortable and risk standing on my own. I’ll leave their beliefs up to them. As a society, we’re good at taking an idea and tearing it down.
Sometimes society tears down an idea for reasons that idea was never meant to contemplate. I think this is happening because we’ve forgotten something very important. We’ve forgotten that what other people believe about anything is just that – what they believe. It doesn’t mean I have to believe it.
I see how much we’ve forgotten this simple truth. In a world full of validation, confirmation, and affirmation, we’ve forgotten that definitions start with our own beliefs and ideas. People can believe what they believe and so can I. We don’t live in a country where our leaders force us to believe, repeat, and adapt. We live in a country where the government is expressly forbidden from using its powers to manipulate us by establishing beliefs. Whether that’s true in practice is another belief I can choose or not choose to have.
Choosing Children
“Have as many children as you want. Even if that means you don’t want any.”
The most relevant conflict that seems to be gaining traction with twenty-somethings is the pull to believe we are here first and foremost to procreate. The other side of the argument is that we are free to choose not to take on this responsibility. Life comes with so many different life scenarios. We all have unique stories and situations which create different levels of responsibility. It’s not my place to tell someone else where to put their energy.
Regardless of which side anyone is on, we live in a world where those that came before us have left us with a populated world. It would be hard to argue that there isn’t room for some of us to choose not to have children of our own. I don’t believe this means we have lost or forsaken our purpose.
But, people argue, what if this becomes a very popular trend? I don’t play “what if” with my future, much less the entire future of the world, so this point goes nowhere in my mind. We’re not knowledgeable enough to predict it. Catastrophising that future to justify judging people for their choices is forcing people to live a certain way.
The same people who say we should be pressured into having children even to the extent that the government must step in, are the same ones who don’t believe a government should restrict the number of children we have. Government control is good one way, but not the other. I believe the freedom of choice should be absolute. Have as many children as you want. Even if that means you don’t want any.
Are people allowing themselves the choice not to have children hurting other people? I don’t think so. I think that this choice, in the end, makes no difference to other people. It’s just another judgement that divides us into superior and inferior, selfish and selfless, and good and bad. Societies need these judgments to thrive. But, I don’t.
If our purpose above all else is to procreate, those of us that cannot would be the damned of society. We don’t go so far as to blame them, though. At least not while we’re telling the ones who can that they must. Purpose can exist in many forms. Taking care of others, nurturing our loved ones’ children, teaching, loving, and supporting the choices of others are all ways we can apply purpose.
I see the freedom in all the choices. Where it’s uncomfortable for me now is when I still try to choose believing that decisions are all or nothing. Very few choices in life are all or nothing. This is where the comfortable meets the uncomfortable. I know how comfortable my choices feel to me. I also see how uncomfortable they can make others.
That’s okay. I can live with that.
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