That Stolen Path

Read Time: 7 minutes

The Road Less Traveled

I love to travel. Not to be a traveler. Not to say “I’ve been there”. I love to travel for the experience. Choosing to travel comes with a choice not to live in a conventional career. I’m so grateful this is possible. So much has changed over the last few years to make this even more doable. Remote learning and work give me options. I get to manage my life in an unconventional way. 

And, I’ll be really honest here. I just don’t want work to be so much work. Exciting life, but intentional. Slower and quieter with splashes of amazingly big rushes of awesome. Working to live with work that is my life as it is being lived. Helping in ways that show how much I love the people in my life, and getting to work in the places and with the people that add to my joy.

The biggest part of how I’m living comes from knowing that my path is uncharted. There aren’t any guideposts for it. Sometimes it feels stolen. Like I’m not supposed to be there. Like I’m trespassing. This feeling is scary and exciting. It’s brilliantly dark. In my mind, my path is lit by motion detecting lights. I have to move past the sensor so they can help me see. This means that I need the courage to keep moving.

I felt and still feel an amazing freedom in the life I’m illuminating. I’m not worrying about the things that used to cause me anxiety. I realize more and more how deeply this feeling of freedom goes. Not only do I no longer worry about what people think of me or how the next year will go, I also don’t worry about becoming or not becoming anything.

I don’t need to become a mother. I don’t need to become a wife. I don’t need a title. I don’t need to be rich. I don’t even need to travel. I choose to travel. I choose my friendships and I choose how I navigate relationships. 

Shouldn’t I believe that I have a responsibility to society to expand my family?. Do we all have a responsibility to add to society? Some people think so. I even think so, but what does this mean? We are here to procreate so all of us must? I disagree. I think we are all here to nurture, love, and be kind to the family and friends we get to have and choose to have in whatever form that is. 

Leaving the Highway

Society’s rules, it seems to me, are like the interstate system. They’re the fastest, most efficient, and supposedly most rewarding way to get anywhere. I like traveling on the actual interstate system. It is, in fact, the fastest and most efficient way to get around the United States. As for my life, it’s not on the interstate. I’m going down roads that aren’t always lit up. From my first awareness my world was shifting, I knew no one would be there to tell me how to light them up.

This is good. I want to learn my way through. I want to make my own guideposts and mark my own journey. Leaving the interstate system of society means that I won’t be taking advantage of what has been laid out. I won’t comfort myself by following the places women are told to go. I won’t slide into the roles society pressures women to fulfill for its sake or to hold up a fragile framework.

I understand some of why women worry and what they worry about. Some women worry about not finding security. Some worry about how life will work out for them. Others struggle with who they need to be to fulfill all the roles that society says are necessary for women to fill. I get it, but I don’t want it. When society pushes women to fill roles, it takes away the choice to live beyond them. Expectations are built in. I won’t risk compromising my own chance at my journey by following someone else’s.

Ironically, I’m not saying I’ll never be a wife or a mother. I’m saying as loudly as I can that I’m choosing not to make my life about those roles. As a woman, does this mean that I may have to decide not to ever be a wife or a mother (or both) to stay on my mysterious path? Maybe. 

Choosing freedom through traveling, caring for my family,and learning and working are more than enough. Adding the pressure of expectations to fulfill roles society demands is a super highway I don’t want to get on. I haven’t figured out how to be the free and caring woman I’m becoming and fulfill any version of the female roles women seem to have to choose from. I don’t know how to be both. 

The Unfamiliar

I see some women struggling. They want experiences, but they don’t seem to believe there is enough time or space for freedom. They have to structure their lives to be comfortable, more familiar, and less scary. Even though life offers more choices for flexible work, the worry that comes with taking care of themselves and the pressure of caring for others is still overwhelming to a lot of women. We are taught to believe that being overwhelmed is a necessary part of life. We have to take on all of it.  

How are we supposed to do all of this? We have to look good, stay thin, be available but not too much, not be too loud, stick to the script, be good, be “bad”, and make sure we’re supporting all of our family’s, friends’, and men’s needs. Oh, and take care of all or at least our half of the bills.

I might find a romantic relationship where we can travel and work together. That would be great. If it happens, I’m still going to move through life my way. We can both move how we want to. It’s hard to “unsee” now how I could choose differently. 

My life should and will always be lived for what I want from it. It’s manipulative to live the life I want in secret, acting as if I’m living it for others. I won’t do that. I’m living my life for me. A life for me means caring and loving because I choose to care and love. 

Not choosing a life of kindness and caring leads to bitterness. Feeling forced to be good is not goodness. It’s deception. Virtue is a choice I’m choosing. I’m not signaling. I’m living. The outcome may be the same, but the hurt people cause to get there doesn’t justify the journey.

The familiar roles put in front of us sometimes don’t even appear as choices. They are simply “what life is made of.” Once again, I disagree. Life is open and free. It’s a big world that, despite society’s attempts to limit it, is accessible. I want to see it. I want to experience it. I want love that doesn’t have a category. I want relationships that start with my expressions of joy. The joy of not having to be or play a role. The purity of being human. 

Sometimes I’m alone on my path. There are days when I realize that most people can’t stay long enough to see what I’m seeing. I’m good company, though. The darkness ahead holds the potential for brilliant illumination. When darkness turns to light, it will be because I moved forward in that darkness and found the way.

Moving On and On…