That’s What Could Have Been

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Pondering My Hypocrisy

Once again, in a blog post, my hypocrisy is going to come out. Thinking about a particular paradox of human nature is too tempting. The paradox is how we seem to naturally reach for our unique identities but so easily end up losing ourselves to societal influence. If each of us starts out with an inherent feeling of self, how does it get lost?

My hypocrisy can be seen when I think and write about parts of human nature I’ve stopped worrying about. I don’t worry about other people’s opinions of me anymore, but I’m fascinated by how easy it is to get caught up in them. Even without the worry, I don’t believe I’m ever too far away from the temptation of validation.

I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that working through emotion instead of avoiding it has taken me somewhere new. Now, my perceptions go beyond the situations where I feel pain or disrespect. I can see these situations outside of the emotion with some understanding of what they teach about me and about the people involved. They’re never all about me. Sometimes, they’re not about me at all.

My new perception made me curious. How much and how often do humans develop reactions to situations that are based on the realized or assumed perspective of the other person? I wonder how much people are influenced by the way other people need or wish them to be when they interact with them. 

When validation is received, what happens next? What is the result of absorbing validation? Not just seeking it, but what happens next after someone feels either validated or ignored? I believe the results can be life altering. They can have a huge lasting effect on how people see themselves. It makes me sad to realize that the negative probably lasts so much longer than the positive. We have so much influence. We need to use it for good.

If I Had…

As for me, my journey to understand how I used to respond to validation has been enlightening. This is more hypocrisy, so bear with me. As I said at the beginning, I don’t care anymore about seeking validation. But sometimes I think about what my life would look like if I had kept going and not shifted my perspective away from seeking confirmation for my actions and choices. Here are a few examples of what probably would have happened:

• I would have graduated from a 4 year college with some degree or other with a so-so GPA.
• I would be working one or two jobs probably not in my major wondering how “this” happened but feeling powerless to do anything.
• I would be living with my parents who would struggle to make sense of my “choices” as they offered solutions.
• I would have few close friends being embarrassed by my lack of “success.”
• I would be in a relationship or more likely, a situationship. This person would probably be just as lost as me, and try to find themselves by trying to control pieces of my life.
• I would be wishing for things to change as I waited for people to tell me how to change them.
• None of my passions would be within my reach as I searched elsewhere for happiness.
• My world would be small. In this version of my life, I wouldn’t have discovered any beauty in the big wide open world.
• I would still believe that life had to be lived according to the rules others have already made. Safe in the idea that I couldn’t offer anything better.
• I wouldn’t see you or any other person as the awesome humans you naturally are.

What do y’all think about this? The end result for me is that I don’t want to be the person I describe in these bullet points. I was her once. The anxious feelings left an imprint. This is a big lesson. Being able to be who I want to be without the confirmation is huge. I talk about what I want A LOT. And, honestly, the thing I want most is a big beautiful life.

My life won’t have big houses, big cars, and big sparkly things. It will have big adventures, big experiences, and big love. Love for myself and as many people who are willing to accept it.

So, it could’ve happened a different way. My life could’ve been and almost was full of choices other people wished I would make. It could’ve been a life of waiting to see what I was supposed to do. But it won’t be. My life is and will be full of joy, beautiful places, and amazing people.

Always me.