That’s Pretending

Read time: 6 minutes

Neverland

When I was little, I played in imaginary worlds. I pretended to be Rachael Ray, a famous dancer, a Hogwarts’ student, and Jesse McCartney’s girlfriend. Don’t we all have some version of pretending and imagining as kids? Our worlds were small and our imaginations made them bigger. My imaginary worlds showed me what I liked and helped me find my passions. Pretending was good and educational.

As I got older, the way I pretended changed. It became consumed with making up versions of myself that weren’t honest. I made up versions of me to fit in and go along. Sometimes, I made up versions who acted like they didn’t care when I actually cared a lot. Pretending to be part of an imaginary world and pretending to be someone different in my real life became the same thing. 

My mind could take me places in my world where the imaginary me fit perfectly into my actual circumstances and made them better. Pretending showed me how just imagining a different world could keep me from feeling the real one where I wasn’t the “her” I thought I needed to be yet. In order to be all of the things the adult me should be, I needed to pretend.

It’s easy to just exchange the imaginary world of childhood with a pretend adult world. The adult world simply adds a layer of secrecy. Instead of playing make believe and using being a kid as an excuse, all I had to do was hide the truth that I was making it all up. I could stay there in the imaginary world of already living my best life and no one would know it was all make believe.

By the time adulting became the expectation, I had transformed my life from playtime games to grown-up ones. These are the imaginary games I played thinking I needed the deception to fit in. Some kind of shield to help me become who I’m supposed to be. Strong all the time. Independent and successful. But also sexy and feisty. Never forgetting to stay cool. I tried to tell myself I could be all of these at the same time. And, magically, I found that I could be on dating apps. 😂

I must, I used to think, get my education, find the most amazing job, meet the hottest and most adoring man so I could finally have that perfectly balanced life. I like balance. It makes life seem easier, so that’s what I wanted. I pretended to know how to get it and I acted like it was attainable. Everyone told me this is what I could and should be so I made up the imaginary world I would need to live that life.

Living there was okay for a while as I discovered what adulting might be like. Soon, though, I started resisting the dream. Instead of going deeper into the imaginary protective layer of what could be, I ran from it. I saw life for how it really is. Instead of molding other people into the imaginary and making them part of the deception, I stepped back and looked around. What I saw was that life isn’t social media even though social media has become our lives. 

No matter how much I wanted it, life was never going to be like Instagram. Life isn’t fully lived in these instances. Selfies don’t teach us anything. The like and favorite buttons only train us to want more fleeting caught in time moments. I wanted educational and truly joyful lasting experiences that were deeply real. Social media can only be a small part of what is woven into the matrix of my life. It can’t be a substitute for it. That would be just another form of pretending.

When It’s Real

I think a lot of people actually see what I saw. Some choose to ignore reality and choose the imaginary world. I couldn’t do it. I knew that I was never going to meet these expectations for success and all the stuff it comes with. Maybe some people don’t want to figure this out, but I am very grateful for the enlightenment. I also could have seen reality as it really is and stayed disappointed. I didn’t choose that, either. Seeing the authentic beauty in life is breathtaking. Every single day.

It’s usually in the dream that we’re supposed to imagine getting our breath taken away by something or someone fantastical and beautiful. Not me. Not anymore. There is a lifetime of beauty without imagining or pretending. For a while, I lived a different way where only making my dreams come true was the place I had to put my energy. It got lost in the imaginary.

None of it was or is real. I would always be disappointed by whatever version of the strong and independent sexy cool woman I tried to be. The one who I imagined was highly educated and career driven with the perfect partner. And I knew it. The imaginary world could never exist. Even more deeply, I knew that this woman didn’t exist. Not as me and not as anyone in this world. Why does society still struggle to try and make us into these women? I can’t answer that question. That’s okay. I know what real life looks like now and I don’t have to be her to live in it.

I am an awesome woman who, thankfully, realized that her pretend world wasn’t attainable. It was still surprising, though, when I didn’t want that world anymore. Once I stopped pretending, I moved into a new world that felt shockingly and beautifully real. As life shifted, I looked back just for a minute and saw the girl (now my ghost) looking through a window at the life she was realizing she would never have. She was suffering and still struggling to see how life could be joyful without pretending.

I know people will read my words and think that I am a super huge buzz kill. I don’t imagine, pretend, or dream? Not really. For me, my imagination held me back and kept me from seeing the best parts of the world. I still have dreams. But, just like social media, they are woven into my matrix that is first and most importantly the real life that I have. 

Maybe this is ironic, but I love the silly make believe of Disney and the movies and musical magical mystery tours. Here’s the difference. I’m only living in the make believe like I did as a child. I’m not wishing for it to become my life. The experiences of pretending are awesome. Pretending to be a woman who can only exist in a make believe world is not the kind of pretending I want anymore.

There is so much in the real world that is better than what I could ever imagine. It wasn’t until I stopped imagining that I could see it. I see it so brightly now. It still has sparkle and glitter and laughter and so much color. I guess I thought that if I didn’t pretend, none of the silly sparkly giggly stuff could stay. I was wrong. It’s all here. And I didn’t even have to put it on Instagram to make it real.

Let’s keep it real…