That’s My Way

Read Time: 5 minutes

How do I put into words this way of seeing life that has become my way over the last two years? You’re laughing because I have shared a lot of words in this blog about my way. I can see how writing about myself is sort of automatically narcissistic. I’ve actually called myself selfish in my posts. I’ve said that what I want is the most important thing. Maybe it’s not worth trying to explain that my way is the opposite of being self-centered. It could just come off as defensive. But maybe it won’t. Let’s find out.

When I was so worried about my life and insecure about my future, I was truly selfish. I was nice, could be sweet even, and always helped out when asked. The difference back then, though, was that I didn’t really care about being kind. I just needed them to get off my back or get to the part about me. I didn’t think about other people purely for the joy of connecting with them. I only thought about them in relation to what they might think about me or do for me. In a way, I thought about them all the time, but it was always wrapped up in me.

Then, as I’ve said so many times, life started shifting. People became independent parts of my life. What they said and did no longer had the same relationship to me. I started understanding that they have their own reasons for what they say and do. I know, duh… of course they do. What changed, though, is that how little or how much what they say and do matters is totally up to me. It’s up to me because it doesn’t really involve me. It’s a strange sort of freedom to connect because I’m curious and interested. Not because I think I need something.

So, I could have gone the way of the narcissist where it all matters a lot and all of those levers are mine to pull and manipulate for my selfish purposes. I want what I want, so let’s do anything to get it. But, as life shifted, I realized how beautifully whole it is. I saw how spending time that I can’t get back trying to mold the world around me into some version of what I thought I needed just wouldn’t work.

This all sounds like a paradox. My life is my own to do what I want. Oh, yes, this is absolutely something I know for sure. Why shouldn’t I just keep pulling those levers? Who cares who it affects? This is about me, and isn’t my generation telling me that I come first? But, here’s the problem. This way of living won’t really get me what I want. It’s all dependent on other people and what I think they will do. It’s ignorant of me to think this is something I have power over.

The amazing answer is that I don’t have to live selfishly to be selfish about what I want. The best gift my new way of seeing life has given me is knowing for certain that the lives of those I connect with deserve what they want, too. I’ll give them the space to reach for it. They all get my respect because I respect what I want equally.

People will never truly get in my way anymore. Stuff will happen. Plans will not go as planned and life will twist and turn. But, life won’t go off the rails. My life isn’t on any prebuilt rails. To derail my life, I have to believe that it’s possible to derail it, so I got rid of the rails.

No one but me has made my life good or bad. The world is out there a little bit for me. It isn’t there trying to stop me, but I’m also not at the center of it. People often talk about being strong up against forces out of their control, and it’s good to be strong. There may be times, and for me there have been already, when people want to cause me pain for whatever reason. I know I don’t set out to hurt people. So, if they’re hurt because of me, I know I didn’t intend to hurt. Most people don’t intend it and if I believe they do, I think way too much of myself.

Pain, then, is just part of what comes with life. I won’t fully know joy without it. People that are dealing with their pain in front of me get my empathy. If their pain will collaterally hurt me, I can choose to end that relationship or be patient as they work through their pain helping them if I can. This is what I mean by no one but me has made my life good or bad. I go for what I want in life and that includes deciding if I will live joyfully or live looking for the Boogeyman. When I used to look for the Boogeyman, he was never very far away.

Living joyfully is what I’ve chosen. The whole of my world is right here. I don’t have to look for anything but more of it. Time spent believing I will find my life if I just wait for it to show up is time spent, well, just waiting.

I’ll continue to be selfish with what I want. I can have it and all it comes with. It comes with pain and sadness, but what those are in my life are lessons. My life is the center of my world because it’s everything. The only chance I get, the only way there is, and the only place just for me.

I’m on MY Way, and I’m inviting you!