Read Time: 6 minutes
So Selfish
Needing my time and space. Now that I’ve accepted that I not only want time and space, that I will take up time and space, but that I need time and space to be a whole person and to be more than enough, what do I really think about my time? Here are some of my thoughts:
- Time is neutral. I give it meaning.
- Time is unique to me because I’m the only one that will use it my way.
- It should not be coveted.
- I can’t steal it.
- Only I can waste it.
- You have as much time as I do.
- How I choose to use my time is selfish. It has to be.
- How I choose to use my time is what will make life beautiful.
- I can’t stop it.
- I can use it to plan, but I will never control it.
- Past time is no longer my time. Only right now.
- Future time is not mine yet.
- You have no right to my time. You have your own.
- I can’t stop time, but I can get stuck in it. That’s on me.
- Time doesn’t heal me. I heal myself. It may take time, but time has no actual power.
- I can’t know what ways are best for you to use your time. It isn’t for me to decide.
- If my time is intertwined with yours, we owe each other clear communication about what is expected with our shared time.
- Even if you’re paying me for my time, my time is never less important than yours. You’re not paying me for my time. You’re paying me for how well I use it based on mutual understanding. That accountability is on both of us.
- Time is so important because it is limited. If I believe mine is limitless, my power is misplaced. Only as a limited resource can time be precious.
My time is something I hold as a selfish resource. It really isn’t a resource if I don’t consider it mine to have. I get to balance this selfishness with the amazing ability of sharing time with awesome people. That’s when my time is at its most efficient. When the world is in front of me, people I love are close by, and experiences are possible.
I think the meaning of time is different for everyone. How could it be the same? Time for some people can get lost in the pursuit of stealing or wasting other people’s time. When time loses its usefulness, people end up needing to pull time away from others. Time doesn’t work like that, though, does it? Time is the same for all of us in its pure scientific definition. It can’t be rolled back or reset. It can’t be added to or subtracted from, but some people act like it can in ways that hurt others and themselves. Many people live as if their need to be recognized by others is the most important use of everyone’s time. It isn’t.
The best use of my time is my experiences. The best way to share my time is for me to choose how. Being forced to spend my time in certain ways for the misunderstood needs of others is how my time gets lost. It sounds so selfish, but it’s not. If I really love the people I say that I love, my time is not wasted helping them. I will always help them. I will always seek them out to share their time with me.
This is what life and its experiences are to me. Time spent with people while we can share it. If that time ends, then my time is recentered and reimagined with other connections and experiences until my time ends. There is no experiencing time with others without spending my time. And it is mine to spend how I choose.
Not This Time
I’ve told you what my thoughts are on time. By thinking about my time, I can tell you some of the ways that my time won’t be spent. I will not spend time attacking other people’s opinions. I will not spend time personally insulting anyone. I will not spend time with people who try to use my time as their power play. I will not waste any time working for people who believe my time can be bought without my mutual agreement. I will not be caught up in the suffering of others. I will empathize and help, but I will not get stuck.
Life is so much more enjoyable when I’m not spending time concerned with your opinions of my choices. It’s also so much more enjoyable when I’m not spending time worrying about your choices. If they affect me, I have to face that. Worrying doesn’t change what you choose or who you are. I no longer spend time being the person others’ hoped I would be, or even the person I hoped I would be. I have become a person who isn’t concerned with the “what if’s” of the future that lead me to being anxious and scared of it.
Spending time doubting my choices, second guessing my decisions, feeling a lot of guilt and uncertainty, and never finding the courage to go after what I want are my biggest obstacles when thinking about time. I decided a while back not to spend time worrying for the sake of worry or about things that will never be within my control.
“I won’t waste time. Not this time. Not in my life.”
I can feel concern for a situation and not worry about you. My worry doesn’t help you. It only brings the potential for you to worry. That isn’t something I want to use my time for. It’s disrespectful to worry about how your choices affect me. It’s also disrespectful to use my time to worry about how my beliefs affect you. Not my job and not my place. Telling you all of the ways that I believe you are screwing up your life is cruel. It’s not helpful and it’s not loving. I don’t have to have an opinion.
So, I won’t waste time. Not this time. Not in my life. I won’t waste it on insignificant power plays and trying to create doubt in others. My uncertainty about life is real enough. No one can know what this life will bring. Why would I make it worse by trying to make you doubt your choices? Why would I make it worse by being so hard on myself? I won’t.
My time is a selfish resource that is limited and precious. How I use it is up to me. I’ll use it in so many amazing and beautiful ways. And, I’ll share my time. I’ll share it with anyone who wants to share theirs with me. Sharing it is beautiful. I’ve already started.
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