That’s Worth It

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Worthy of Me

One of the reasons that I started this blog was to leave actual imprints. The imprints that are left by my journey so far (shouting out to Sam and Dean Winchester 😉) like the ones I discuss in That’s My Disappearing Life. I have to admit that I sometimes confuse myself with my ideas on the past and the future. When I discuss leaving my past behind me, I don’t mean forgetting. What I mean is that the past can’t be changed, so dwelling in it like the present and future aren’t a thing is a waste of time. 

But, the lessons of the past which are more like my history, are part of what I want to leave imprinted. I don’t want to forget, and I want to gain perspective. I find this perspective in the lessons and in the experiences of my history. The ones that tell me how worthy and worth it my life is.

People talk about feeling worthy. How important it is to know your worth. I agree. Feeling worthy is necessary for a strong and healthy outlook on life. What I don’t hear about, though, is what this means. What does it mean to be worthy? To be enough? To be a whole person? Are they the same thing? I think in the context of living a life for one’s own sake, that yes, they are at least very similar. 

The idea of worth that I lean on most is the idea that I’m worthy of time and space. I take up space and make a claim for my time. With time and space, I’m more than enough. Time and space are there to capture me as a whole being. What else would time and space be for than to hold the inhabitants of the world during their era?

This is where I start wondering if I’m just way too into myself. I think about myself a lot. I’m nothing if not self centered. Aren’t you? Why not? You’re worth being in the center of your life. You can’t lift up anyone else, even your chosen God, without being centered. 

But, I’m not too into myself. In fact, I need to be even more into myself. To see life fully and to live life fully, I need to know without doubt that the space and time I inhabit are there because I’m worthy of it. Without owning my space and the time of my life, there is no appreciation for the world. There is no appreciation for others. There is no gratitude or joy. 

I find it so ironic that people believe that sacrificing their time is actually possible. Huh? Stay with me. When I help people and “give” them my time, I’m not giving it away. I’m choosing how I use it. It never feels like a sacrifice because my time and space include them. They include giving and helping. It’s not an exception. This is one of the philosophies of my life. My time is my only time and how I use it can be seen as sharing the wholeness of this one life or letting it get pieced and given away. I choose to see it as my whole self living a life immersed and connected with the world.

Woman Enough

As glorious as this philosophy is, I want a world where all of us can see life this way. We are whole without needing others to complete our lives. We get to want others in our lives. Being whole means that others get space, too, and together we make an even better connected world. It’s challenging, though, to stay in this philosophy. When others don’t think they are enough, they can’t see how whole their world or mine can be.

I’m more than enough of a woman. Yep. I’ll say it over and over. More than enough. I don’t need a man and no man should need me. Wanting? Sure. I want a lot for my life including time with men. What I don’t want is to give them my time and space in exchange for sharing my life. But, don’t I have to in order to compromise in a relationship where I share my life with someone? Actually, no, I don’t. My space and my time aren’t parts of me to give. I can share my joys, adventures, sadness, and everyday experiences without giving my time and space away. It’s inclusive. 

It’s not lost on me that the ability to live a whole and enough life is not equal for men and women within a lot of the social norms that exist today. Staying in the whole of my life is challenging for reasons that seem unique to being a woman. It’s as if women’s freedom to be the whole people we want to be is not socially acceptable. We are framed in by society as the chosen ones who must give up our time and space as sacrifices for the good of others in ways that men are not. What do I mean? Here are some examples:

• Women are caretakers of children, family, and friends by default. Men are the congratulated givers of care. Women are expected to give more than their share of time and space by social construct, but when men give, they are virtuous and courageous for going against the norm. They don’t really sacrifice because they are rewarded for being who women are expected by default to be. This leaves them more time and space to live freely.
• Women are held to beauty standards that are marketed as a requirement they can never meet. If men are beautiful, they are worshiped. They don’t sacrifice countless hours for the beauty standards that women are framed into. And these standards are often for men. Women’s time and space is sacrificed to enhance the time and space of men.
• It’s seen as normal for men to restrict the activities of their committed partners because of the uncontrollable “tendencies” of other men. Women should not have to sacrifice their time and space for the actions of others. We have to stay safe or not do things where other men will notice us. Men’s space to objectify women is somehow sacred. And, isn’t it amazingly ironic that men are allowed to exert control over women because they can’t control themselves? The hypocrisy haunts us like a Dementor. Trying to take our space and happiness to satisfy their need to control us to hide their weakness.
• If women want a career, long hours with a lot of hard work is the key. Women work longer and harder and have to prove themselves. When men chat at work, it’s important. When women chat at work, it’s insubordination. When women run the show, it’s the exception and everyone is waiting for the failure. When men rose to the top (and they always have), it was just a matter of time. Their time. Sacred and free.

These are just a few of the big space and time takers from women. As I have said many times, I’m choosing to live outside of it. Opting out. Not from parenting, beauty norms or a career as possibilities, but opting out of those things the way society defines them for women. 

I might have children one day, but I don’t know yet. What I do know is that raising kids is beautiful when all parents bring the committed time and space as whole people raising another. I like girly stuff and beauty products, but I don’t think about them from the standpoint of men anymore. I see the feminine standards and I choose to be aware of the time they take. Career? Pretty big no on that one. I won’t have a career the way society defines and expects women in them. Life is a full time job and I love it in its current form and with all of the possibilities of the future.

Not Yet

Harsh? You bet. My space and time is mine. Not yours. Selfish? Only if you want to see it that way. I know that the people in my life benefit from my choices when I live as a whole person who knows she’s more than enough. I will make a life that shares joy and love in a way that the pieced-apart me could never bring. Through my own power and loving the life I have.

I’m worth it, so it’s worth it to me to live life in joy and love. Not to live it in expectation and regret. I see a society that hasn’t found a way to respect the whole and enoughness of everyone in it. It hasn’t found a way to equally respect the time and space of all of us. No economic or government system will inherently have this respect in it. 

Too much emphasis on external power and controlling the freedom of others are built into our systems. So, we have to do this as individuals. We have to see and feel the whole of the lives of others. Respect without assumption. Power that’s internal and not pulling on others for external power. When I’m enough, the world is enough. There is no wanting more of what others have. I want more of what I can get with my own time and space. I don’t need yours. You should keep it whole for yourself.

Enough for now… and always!