That Lonely Feeling

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Past Life

The changes in my life in my early twenties are so significant that I really don’t miss the life I had. I’ve talked about my disappearing past (That’s My Disappearing Life) and the ghost of the girl I was (That’s the Beginning). Those imprints are such amazing faded reminders of what I’ve learned. But, I don’t feel any longing for any of it. I do miss seeing certain people’s faces and I do feel grateful that I knew them, but I don’t dwell in the memories. I might feel lonely if I did. Feeling lonely, though, is not a feeling I have anymore.

I take with me the awareness that I was lonely. Among so many people in high school and college, around my family, and even in large groups of people, I felt alone. Like I was looking at someone else. Trying to be someone else. I didn’t know who. Just anyone else. I stood alone waiting for that transformation. I would turn into someone they would all see and acknowledge. I would transform easily in a moment when I wasn’t looking for it.

I’m not waiting for that moment anymore, I’m physically alone a lot now. I love it. Almost as much as I love being with people. I’m actually with people now, too, and not just around them. When I’m alone, I’m never lonely. I mean it. Never. I might wait to see people and be very excited about it (Hey, Jenny!), but my time spent alone is so special. I’m my best friend. There’s a lot of fun stuff going on in my head.

I still keep that awareness, though. The one where I’m a lonely girl. It’s such a real and paralyzing feeling. I know what it’s like to feel both. There’s an emptiness and never ending detached feeling in the lonely. It’s so different from the overflowing connected feeling I have now. Being detached was a choice I didn’t know I was making. I believed that I had to let other people fill in the void of being lonely and so I just waited for it to happen. But, I’m no longer trying to fill an emptiness that wasn’t there. I’m not waiting for connection to come to me. Connections are already there for me to make.

Here All Along

This difference is hard to explain to certain people. It’s almost like there are no words to describe the feeling of not being lonely. I’m sure of it, though. I’m absolutely positive that I’ll never feel lonely in a crowd or at a concert or alone at my place. I’ll never feel like I’m on the outside hoping to get in. I’ve done that. It’s not a way to live a full life. I know that I’ll always be there for myself and can change how I’m interacting anytime I want to. It’s a freedom that is surprising. So different from waiting.

What is the difference? I think it’s pretty simple. I don’t need to be someone else. Who was she, anyway? No one I would want to be for very long. I have been here the whole time. I’m a whole person already. One that is funny, smart, capable, and who sees the beauty in everyone and everything the world has to offer. I’m taking the imprint of that lonely girl on so many adventures. To places she never thought she would go, with people she never thought would accept her, and in experiences she thought other people got to have while she just waited.

I wonder why it is so hard to explain what has happened to turn a lonely girl into a woman who is just as fine alone as she is with other people. As I said, it’s simple. I’m good with the me that was always here. I guess I wasn’t good with myself before. I guess I needed a nonexistent void filled. I can’t say with certainty if there was any one or two things that changed my perspective, but something did, and I’m so grateful.

One is Not a Lonely Number

Why is being and doing things alone considered either pathetic or courageous? It’s odd to me that when I tell people I am doing something alone, I get one of two reactions. One is a curiosity as to why I’m not partnering up. Like they feel bad for me that I can’t find someone to be with. The other is a reaction that seems like envy. “Good for you. I wish I could do that.” 

The answer to why it’s one or the other seems like the same answer. Most people actually believe that one is a lonely number. They believe that we’re supposed to have someone all the time to live life with because a person alone is not enough. They wish for me to not be alone because it doesn’t seem right to them, or they wish that they could figure out how to feel like enough by themselves.

One isn’t a lonely number, though. One is a whole number. It’s a complete set, and it fills the basic need for my life. I want to be around people and connect with them in profound ways. I do connect with people deeply and am so excited that I can do that. I also believe that we all need human connection. But, if I need to turn to one person in this world, it will be me. No one else will ever see the world from my viewpoint. My unique perspective is what will be the difference in living a life full of joy or a life of never enough.

When I do things alone, I see the world working around me and I let myself feel my part in it. I’m more aware of how people respond and behave in situations and I see the beauty in kindness and respect. I see this beauty in the respectfulness and kindnesses I witness, but I also see it in the collateral of the disrespected and mistreated. I know that we’re here to make our whole number of one count for everything. It makes all the difference.

Making it Count!