That’s My Fault

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Oops…

Accountability is such an ironic way to be free. Before I found accountability, I thought that I was constantly screwing up my life. I felt ashamed of how I handled situations, especially when it comes to communicating what I’m really thinking. When what I’m really thinking and feeling doesn’t get worked through or communicated, shame or fear or both get all tangled up in it. When I used to think about how I didn’t want to keep going to school or that my job just made me sad most days, it only took about two seconds for the shame to set in and for me to push those thoughts away. Only after I stopped pushing those thoughts away was I actually able to communicate what I didn’t want.

It took some painful realizations to get me here. I’ve talked about the shift in my life now for a few months (yep, and it’s still great). In all of that talk, I’m revealing the result of the change in the way I communicate. Where I still struggle is in finding the sentences to explain all of the bright colorful words and pictures in my mind (That’s What I See). Sometimes, I don’t get out what I really want to say. I need to keep working on focusing on the words and images to get them at least a little organized, but the accountability is there. Now, my communication has much less to do with being ashamed to talk about what’s going through my head and more to do with learning how to communicate in the moment.

Part of what drove my not so good communication style was believing that where my life wasn’t going was my fault because I couldn’t make it better. Now, my communication is driven by knowing that how I respond is my accountability. This is such a big change. I’m accountable for my choices, but I don’t have to live in the shame of them. Once I took responsibility for my choices and communicated that I needed to change where my life was headed, the shame went away. It didn’t go and hide. It went away. My accountability for my choices and the communication that came with it is the result of realizing I needed my life to shift and then moving into it without shame.

It’s still a struggle sometimes. I do have this new realization about accountability, but I will be balancing my life for the duration of it when it comes to accountability and shame. When the accountability is clear, the shame is not there. When I need to work through my reactions and responses to situations, as well as my own proactive actions, shame can show up. I know now, though, how to recognize it.

It’s hard when I work through my own accountability and recognize that the person across from me is the one that is struggling. What I have to do in that situation is think about how my communication might not be clear. How can I listen to what they are saying and figure out what I missed? Where did I mislead them? Did I mislead them or are they reacting because of their own issues that I failed to recognize or couldn’t have seen?

Accountability for me has to have empathy. I have to empathize with myself first. It’s like putting on your oxygen mask first on a plane and then assisting someone else. I will shut down and be ineffective if I don’t feel something for myself and then build empathy for the person across from me.

A Mom Story

Someone who has challenged every bit of my effort to embrace accountability is my Mom. She holds me accountable in her own way. This is tough. Sometimes my accountability and her expectations don’t line up. We can have conversation after conversation about my future. The result of these conversations is mixed. I have enough of this dynamic to tell this story. I think I’m ready. Here it goes…

My Mom works on this blog with me. She says we are partners and I want that, too. We intend to keep going with this blog and with other ideas for creative projects for as long as we can. During all of this working together, we have had many conversations, not to mention (which I will) all of the conversations we had before my life shifted and as the shift really took hold.

In our conversations, my Mom will often get very emotional. We will have already decided some things, worked on some things, and planned some things. Then, there will be a conversation where my Mom says that I’m not doing what we discussed. She is telling me that she expects certain things from me. I believe that I am doing those things, and I try to explain. Then, she tells me that I’m just not doing them. Through these conversations, I realize that she needs me to do them a certain way and within a certain timeframe.

We talk things through, settle on some compromises, and then move on. At least I do. We end up in another conversation a few weeks later. She even says how tired she is of having the same conversation. We have another long talk and settle on some different things, make new plans, and keep going. What am I doing wrong? Honestly, I’m not sure. At this point in my realizations of life, I have been able to fully embrace that people bring in their own issues and that a lot of their frustration and anger is about what has already happened to them.

This isn’t to say that I don’t have accountability. This is a tough place. Where someone’s frustration and my accountability collide. What’s really on me and what isn’t? It’s so hard to know. I admit that I’m following what I want in life without regret. I think this is hard for my Mom. After living the adult portion of her life so far in a role that holds all of the financial responsibility for our family, her expectations of me sit in that arena. Where her life and my life need to line up at least a little bit.

Where can we at least find more balance? I don’t want a career for a lifetime. I don’t want more formal education. I don’t want children (at least right now). None of this fits with her ideas and expectations for my life. So, where does that leave us? She believes so much in what this blog says on one hand, and struggles on the other. She wants me to succeed, but can’t see yet how I will. I realize that this blog might never make it there. Honestly, I’m good with that, but she doesn’t believe me. How could I be good with it? Aren’t I supposed to figure it all out?

Yes, we are there. That place where I’m supposed to figure my life out within at least a loose definition of what society says I should figure out. I should live in that tried and true framework of high school, college, job and potential career, marriage, and kids. Strangely, my Mom doesn’t really even believe that this is the right path for everyone. The issue is that she doesn’t see another one for me. Weirdly, I don’t see another path, either. We agree on that. At this point in my twenties, I just know I don’t want that one, and it makes for a lot of drama.

Less and less I find myself creeping around the edges of the idea that how things turn out is all my fault and my Mom is right. That even if I’m true to myself and am holding myself accountable, it isn’t the right answer. Slipping back from my shift, though, just isn’t going to happen. I also won’t let go of my Mom. I’ll find the balance we need to keep going.

I’m tired of the conversations with my Mom, too. When we stick to the blog and our other business ideas, it’s great. But, when it turns just to me and my future, it gets a little dark. I don’t know if my Mom is fighting that part of her that needs me to succeed in some specific way, but I’m going to disappoint her if she keeps expecting those norms. I can’t know the future, but she can’t either. Maybe if she realizes this, and I mean really gets it, these conversations will change. It’s truly simple from my perspective. I’m going where I’m going. Wherever that is. I hope she’s there with me.

I’m off to hug my Mom… ☺️