That’s What I Could’ve Done

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Could Have

I could have finished college, but I didn’t. I could have kept living with my parents, but I didn’t. I could have gotten that full time job with medical benefits, but I didn’t. I could have stayed in that relationship or the next one or kept trying to meet “him”, but I didn’t. I could have kept worrying about what I was going to do next, but I didn’t.

I could say that I missed out on all of it, but I don’t say that. I could feel like a failure and blame myself, but I don’t. I could plan my life out and start living out that plan, but I won’t. I could search all over for what can fill up my life, but I won’t be searching. I could keep telling myself that I’ll do that someday when…, but I think I’ll do that now. 

I could stop and wait for the “right” road map, but I’ll keep moving. I could search the virtual world for all the answers, but I know they won’t be there. I could practice an expected life, but practice won’t help me meet those expectations. Yes, I could do or try all of this, but it’s missing one important thing. It could have been great, but it has never been what I want. You may be wondering what I did when I decided not to do all of the things I could have done. Well…let me tell you.

Expecting Disappointment

I had to accept that I was rejecting a lot of things that people wish they could do as easily as I could do them. My life is not short on opportunity. I’m not saying I’m good at everything, I just mean that my circumstances allowed me the opportunity for me to try to be good at lots of things. It’s interesting how not so easy those things seemed when they were the only choices in front of me. It’s not that they weren’t actually available. They were. Wide open for me to land in. This was the tough part. How do I say no to those things after I realized that I could and wanted to choose differently? Wasn’t I rejecting everything the world was offering? Shouldn’t I feel bad about that?

I had a long tearful (I mean ugly crying) conversation with my Mom, and then another, and then another… These conversations were about all of the things I thought I wanted and then realized I didn’t. They were the expected things. The strange part of this story is that all I could see before I allowed my life to move differently were the expected things. That’s why it seemed like they were also the things I wanted. There is the reality of responsibility that my Mom reminded me of. But, we also talked about how what I’m good at may not be what I like. What should I do about that? How much can I lean on my parents? What do they expect?

Expectations. So much of my new perspective is based on not worrying about those. But, I know that so much of the energy I put into connecting with people starts and ends with them. This means that I had to put different energy into my connections. My family being the biggest one, I slowly but suddenly changed my reactions to their expectations. It’s better than I could have ever “what if’d”. (BTW, I don’t “what if” much anymore 🙂).  I didn’t have to script it, either. I became aware of my responses and stopped feeding into those expectations and the fear that I realized I carried around about them.

Disappointment. It used to walk around with me like an inevitable ending. After confronting the disappointment around my entire adult existence, disappointment looks a lot different. It looks like a very temporary place and most of the time it feels like someone else’s problem. It’s hard sometimes to see other people moving through life with inevitable endings hanging over them. I can still feel how it felt for me. I can feel it with them. 

The beautiful part of this, though, is that I know now that disappointment isn’t inevitable. Disappointment is only the collision of expectation with the unexpected. I felt disappointed when I didn’t want to make and then face my choices. When my choices were someone else’s (the expected things), I was constantly disappointed in myself. This is the worst kind because I didn’t know I was disappointed. It showed up as anxiety that I couldn’t explain.  

I was failing to meet my expectations and everyone else’s. All of my choices ended up in the unexpected category where disappointment lived. I wasn’t being honest with myself. It was a not so great way to live. Not tragic, but somewhere in the middle with nowhere to go. I didn’t believe I could go anywhere. Before I moved my life through all of the expectations, disappointment was inevitable. It was the only thing waiting for me.

Taking Surprising Roads

It turns out, I can lean on my parents. They do still expect things from me, but I now see that any disappointment they feel is not something I have to worry about. The love is still there and it isn’t going anywhere. I’m so very grateful for that. Honestly, though, even if I couldn’t lean on them, I’m still going to lean into my shifting life. Seeing the world and connecting with people. That’s what I want. I’m so full of life now that the people that join me are amazing bonuses. Can life disappoint me? Maybe, but now I “expect” surprises.   

All of the roads I could have taken wouldn’t have taken me all of the places I know I can go. I’m going there now. I know I can live differently. All of what I could have done but didn’t isn’t a regret or FOMO. It’s my freedom. Not taking the wrong road is beautiful. Not knowing if I’m on the right road is the collateral beauty in taking a different way. The beauty is that I will live knowing all of what I could have done with the understanding that where I am is because I didn’t. Where I didn’t go is the greatest place to be.

People have and will say I’m avoiding all of the things I have to do to be successful and financially independent as an adult. Honestly, this doesn’t bother me. Maybe I won’t be successful. I’m not even sure what that means. But, I know it doesn’t worry me. I’m connected enough with myself to be my own version of successful. As for financial independence, I’m already there. I’m not there without working, but I will always work and make my way. If that independence is based on a societal threshold, I won’t make it there. That’s so good in my world. I don’t need to cross over.

I would prefer that people not judge me for my choices, but I don’t expect it. I understand the perspective that society just works better when everyone moves in a general direction. I’m going to go against some of the expectations and stereotypes. It will not make sense to some people. A few might say I’m wasting my life. I know that the opposite is true. My life is full and I am whole. The world is amazing and I know how I want to be in it. Grateful, excited, joyful, and free.

Surprise!!