Read time: 4 minutes
In This Blog Post:
All My Senses
It makes sense when things line up straight. It makes sense when the sun comes up and when it sets. It makes sense when I meet people that like what I like and so I like them. And then there’s the rest. The things that shouldn’t make sense, but they do. The things that don’t fit, but they go together in amazing ways. Surprisingly. I love those things even more.
When life shifted, what used to not make sense suddenly did. The tangles made sense. Time passing out of its normal order made sense. People who I thought would clash with what I enjoy became people I like very much. The “conflicts” just didn’t mean as much. Before, I think I was afraid the tangles conflict caused thinking that I had to untangle life all the time.
“The beauty in art and life are complete not in spite of the terrible but because of it.”
Things make sense now in all kinds of new ways. It seems right to not worry what happens next. It strangely fits that I don’t fit in everywhere. That works for me much better than making my life fit and then worrying about it when it doesn’t. Most importantly, the terrible parts of life and the beautiful ones make sense together. I get that they are both necessary. The beauty in art and life are complete not in spite of the terrible but because of it.
Maybe this is why paradoxes are so fascinating. Both sides exist, but they don’t fit. Measuring time creates a constant, but that same measure not feeling constant shouldn’t make sense. I think, though, that it’s hard to deny that both are true, and somehow time being constant but not feeling constant just makes life more interesting.
The most complex paradox for me is the idea that life is often lived for what will happen even though we will never guess correctly what we think will happen next. The world only gives us breadcrumbs. It doesn’t give us certainty. So, it makes so much sense to follow already thought through frameworks of success so we can get ahead of uncertainty, right? This is what a lot of people do. So why does it make even more sense to me to get tangled in the uncertainty?
“Thinking of the past and trying to reenact it or worrying too much about it only gobbles time. Anticipating tomorrow and forgetting to appreciate today stretches time into painful seconds.”
I think some of life’s complexity comes from the time paradox. Ironically, when I spend too much time looking behind or ahead, time takes over and passes really quickly or oh so slowly. Thinking of the past and trying to reenact it or worrying too much about it only gobbles time. Anticipating tomorrow and forgetting to appreciate today stretches time into painful seconds.
Anticipation can feel great, but living in anticipation all the time is like trying to avoid inevitable disappointment. Maybe when I needed anticipation all the time it meant that I was already disappointed. Disappointment is not inevitable, but thinking only about how the future will fix everything guarantees it. Future me used to be awesome. She had figured it out and was finally living it – that plan, that guy, that proud family, those admiring followers. Time flew between the last disappointing chance to be her and finding the next. Strangely. as I waited to get to the next just discovered chance to be “awesome future me”, time was painfully slow.
One Solution
What the hell was I doing? Nothing was going to get solved looking to the future to fix it. Well, shit. Life should have lost me at this point. Realizing it would never work by trying to find myself out there could have meant the suck was really settling in. School didn’t work, parents frustrated, job draining my life force, and relationships? Not so great. But the opposite happened. There was one overwhelming and life changing solution. I was here already. I’m the answer. Not to the meaning of life. Just to the meaning in mine.
My life is just gonna be tangled. It’s a beautiful mess. So unexpected and weird. The things I thought I needed don’t bring me joy. The people I thought I had to impress live somewhere I don’t fit into. The people I only seemed to disappoint weren’t disappointed at all. That was me living in disappointment. It wasn’t them. Not anymore.
It makes so much sense when it’s not about the woman I thought I needed to be. Life actually can be about the woman I am and all of the surprising places I’ll go. All the awesome people I’ll meet and the lessons they’ll teach me. That’s the solution. That my life makes sense to me. The world doesn’t have to.
Not solving it solves all of it…
Check out “Not So Common Sense” on the Poems page
Discover more from That Twenty-Something Vibe
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.