That’s The Difference

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Meaning

Finding meaning in life and searching for the reason why I (and all of humankind 🙂) am here are different questions. But, I think I had them confused for a while. Life is extraordinary for so many reasons and I see meaning in life all around me. At the same time, I don’t have to answer the huge “why” of it all. I can and will see the extraordinary in it. Isn’t part of this awesomeness because I don’t know why this one life is mine? I’m just glad that it is.

My twenty-something vibe is telling me that my life gives and will give so much without the why. Once upon a time, the weight of trying to find my way (to what?) or realizing an overall purpose (what for?) was so heavy. Finally, though, I see that the world is not here for me to know exactly what my place is or why I have one. That’s not a good use of my limited time.

Now, I don’t see a world that is too much or not enough. It’s so very much, but it is not too much. Where I’m supposed to be is right here, and who I’m supposed to be is who I am right now. That’s my answer. How did I reach that conclusion? Because, honestly, what other one is there? In a strange way, the helplessness of this conclusion is my power. I can go anywhere and be anyone from here.

Life being too much leaves me caught and almost frozen. But, at the same time, too much feels like not enough. I love and hate the feeling of everything at the same time. As if the world is all sorted out, but nothing can happen. That is what “too much” is. Before I really felt my vibe, even when I figured things out, I didn’t know what to do. I found nothing in the back and forth that is the euphoria of knowing and the crushing weight of it not meaning anything. Somewhere in between, though? Yes! That’s where it is.

The world I want is full of connections I want to make. There is a balance in this. To want a life full of what I want is not self-centered. It sounds like it, but it’s not. I can’t have what I want without all of the people who will go on this journey with me. The pretty cool part is that I know I want them with me so I will be grateful for every second. Wanting a certain life in spite of what life brings is self-centered. Wanting a certain life because of what it brings isn’t. 

I live with a low level of bliss. I take in the beauty and excitement of the world. Even when it is loud and vibrant, it is quietly enough. The world was and is shouting, but I know it was never shouting at me. I kept trying to hear all the answers in it. Now, I understand that space between quiet and loud where time becomes my friend. It can move in a rhythm I recognize. It won’t be so soft that I can’t feel it, and it won’t be so loud that I freeze or run away.

Time

I’ve always heard that time will speed up as I get older. For me, it did for a while. Long enough to understand why people say this. It took really “feeling” time and getting close to it for it to slow down. Feeling time to me means knowing that I don’t want to spend it searching for what can’t be repeated. I won’t chase the ultimate of anything or look for that perfect situation. All I have to do is decide to do what I want. I know that this is as right as anything else. I’m living in this mindset as much as I can. It’s truly a gift to have time.

This perspective of time seems to confuse people. Not because it’s hard to understand, but because it might seem like I’m lazy or unambitious if I say I’m just gonna do what I want. But, I don’t think so. I’m actively pursuing what my life has given me to get more of it and everything else I want. I want to find more without doubting that I should. Maybe my life is not as structured or planned as society says it should be, but I choose to not be driven by society’s idea of ambition. In my opinion, it’s limited, subjective, and full of unrealistic expectations.

Time seeming to slow down makes sense in my shift. I’ve moved quickly out of the familiar and comfortable. When there is nothing new to experience or be excited about, time will fly. Time races when I’m just executing and not discovering anything or consciously trying to learn. I’m just wasting time wishing for the things I want but don’t move to get. 

Comfort in the familiar is what people seem to be telling me adulthood is. Go learn so you can spend the remainder of your life executing that familiar pattern that society needs you to fall into. I don’t want to fall into anything, even love. I don’t want to climb back out. Oh, I love and will love. It just won’t be because I fell into it. I want to run to experiences, go through them, and see beyond them. I want to feel love and let it move with me.

Spending time in touch with my current passions is the only ambitious plan I need. As I have said before, I’m living my dreams and passions as much as I can. I used to question if they were acceptable or even rational. Then I realized that questioning them meant I am comparing them to what I believe others think I should choose. I don’t need to hesitate. I’ll find a way to survive. I’ll pursue kindness and love. I can thrive in my choices. Yes, it might be difficult at times. After all, I still have to sustain my life. I can do that, though, without falling for and then chasing after society’s ideals. Idyllic to me is knowing what I want and being true to it.

Different Ways

What’s great about not depending on others for my life’s choices is that I easily respect their choices. Even if I see that their choices are going to end up as one of those tough life lessons that they have to experience on their own, I’ll still walk beside them. Those experiences move me forward. Watching my closest friends and family build the lives they want is a wonderful thing. Sharing our thoughts on the world is a big part of how I connect with them. We’re just sharing perspectives. There is no pressure to either live through their perspective or for them to live through mine.

Here is where it is amazing. I have a wonderful younger cousin. Seeing her grow into a young woman is awesome. I see in her the strength of the next generation. How she has so much fun making friends and learning about the world. I will get the opportunity to share with her how I am navigating my life and hopefully share some of my journeys with her. Already I see a young lady that is going to reach for so much. That’s so exciting. I get to experience life with her while she discovers the world in her own way [Watch for That’s Disney Revisited – Better with Cousins – Coming Soon!]

The life I have now is going in a direction that is so wide open, but it’s still not too much. This way does not look back to try to change or redo anything. I have accepted that what has happened is not something that needs a do over. I love the people in my life and the ones that were there once. I don’t regret meeting anyone or doing anything. I don’t play out the “what if I had chosen this” one act plays of what my life would be like now. I also don’t play out anymore the “if only I could be” play that kept me waiting and wishing. I found a different way. 

When you push for why, you treat yourself like you should have known, or like you should have acted when you couldn’t have known. Thinking like this, you will treat others as if they should have known and acted, too. Please don’t look at the future and wait. You won’t “know it when it happens” or be able to act when “the time” comes. You risk living disappointed in yourself and other people when none of it happens or “the time” never arrives. 

My hope is that you don’t just react to life or force it to be just right. You might even blame other people for their choices, and maybe even blame them for yours because “it didn’t happen like it was supposed to”. It’s so easy to play the martyr or the victim when the “why” rules your life. Instead, let time reveal the meaning life comes with.

The difference is that all the meaning in my life does not start or end with a “why”. It starts with gratitude. Gratitude for what is right here and thankfulness for who is and has been here with me. Once that meaning is there, it doesn’t end. The why to justify continuing to search and the why to make some kind of sense of what has happened to justify what comes next aren’t important. Gratefulness comes from getting to have time in the first place. It’s all there, and I’m walking with it and into more of it. And, honestly, I really don’t care why!

On My Way!

Check out “Quietly Loud” on the Poems page