That’s All

Read time: 8 minutes

All and Nothing At All

The word “all”. It’s everything and nothing at the same time. It’s used to express the massiveness of things. Say “all of this” and we know there is a lot of it, maybe even everything. But, it can also describe disappointment. “That’s all there is?” We’re asking why there isn’t more. On one hand, we get so much. On the other hand, it’s never enough. One comes with the understanding that we already have it all. There might even be more of it to be grateful for. The other sees a world where we constantly look for the all that will make us whole. Somewhere out there.

I used to look outside. My world would be completed out there. I didn’t know if it was going to be made up of what I told myself I wanted from out there or what I was supposed to want, but it was definitely one or the other. I’m not sure I even knew the difference. So why did neither of them feel right? One felt too unattainable. Something or someone will get in my way. The other felt too strange like it wasn’t any version of me. One meant I had to trust the outside, and the other meant that I had to ignore myself. So, I got stuck. 

This is the same kind of theme, different post. Yes, I know. I want to emphasize, though, that when I looked for a whole life out there, the one I was actually living was always going to end up in the “that’s all there is?” category. Every time. There is no place in that outside life where it doesn’t.

How do I know this? The multiverse, of course. There is no version of parallel universes where I get all I can from life without focusing on what I want for myself. From the inside out. This means realizing that who I am is “all” I get, but it’s how I see that “all” that makes the difference. Who I am is all that I make it and all I do with it. I can make it a half life of anything but this, or a whole life of everything and more. 

The 100%

What is a life of everything and more? It’s the 100% plus bonus points. When I said in a prior post that I see dudes as a bonus, I’m not insulting guys and calling them an afterthought. They do come after the 100%, though. They don’t complete my life. They add to it. When I was stuck in a life that was less than whole, I realized that I was just hoping for the bonus points. Just like in school, I studied the really hard stuff to make sure I got the extra credit questions. But, I ran out of time to study everything else.

I was missing the part of my life that already added up to 100%. I was trying to see if I could find the answers to the bonus questions before I appreciated the life I had. It’s more than just the cliché of finding myself first. I was always there. I didn’t need to find her. I needed to trust her. 

Sometimes, I was wishing that the answers to the questions would just magically appear. That magical dating app guy that fate would bring right to me. But, the bonuses are not waiting for me to find them. They are not the 100% that is already there. They are the “more” after the “all of it” in my life. It’s the extra that comes after I feel “all of this” that gives me the bonus. Don’t you want the extra?

The bonuses will never make me whole. I need to be whole without them. I have to reach for them because they are what and who I choose when I believe in my life and my choices. I can add so much and more to all of my experiences and relationships after I appreciate the 100%.

You may be wondering what I mean by the 100%. It’s actually pretty simple. It’s all of the parts of life that add up to being free to want what I want. How did I get here? I freely accept what life offers. My circumstances are not fate, but they are the foundation on which I get to choose. I get it all if I want it, and then I can have more. Part of the reason I think people live in a “that’s all there is” state of mind is because of how hard it is to accept the 100% of life that is theirs to live with all that they want after that.

So many people recognize their opportunities, but they see others without those same opportunities. They feel like they can’t be grateful and they live feeling selfish and guilty while softly asking “what about me?” anyway. They get stuck there wondering what to do. Other people see the opportunities others have and constantly believe that life will never give them all that they are entitled to. They are loudly asking “what about me?” The 100% is neither of those. It’s having courage to want what you want and go after it. It’s also being grateful for what you have to build from.

I’ve thought about what I get to build from. I’m not poor. I’m not America’s version of rich, but I’m rich in comparison to a lot of the world because of the opportunities I have in life. I have the luxury of time to think about blog posts. I am traveling. I am learning. I am living. It’s unbelievably amazing. I admit that I have felt guilty for my freedom. It’s actually a feeling I’m learning from. I’ve learned that the best thing I can do with that freedom is to connect with people and show kindness. Part of that is knowing that people want to choose what they want for themselves.

The people I’ve felt guilt toward are not asking for my help or my guilt. So, that guilt is misplaced. Ironically, the people who want me to feel guilty are the ones that want my help but on their terms. They are actually choosing to live this way, but it probably doesn’t seem like it to them. They are choosing to make others part of the suffering they feel by comparison. They are wishing for someone else’s life. Not even mine, necessarily. Just anyone’s but theirs. Whatever life they think they have found, it will always be one where it and they are never enough. I will never be enough for them in that world, either. I choose not to be in it.

When a person doesn’t see someone’s help as a sacrifice being made for them, but instead believe they are entitled to that help, they want to continue to suffer. No one wants people to try to change them, but when they want their life to change without changing themselves, they are expecting it to change through someone else. They are waiting on other people to see their pain the way they see it. That doesn’t work. I’ll never be able to understand everything about the pain other people feel. But, I can stand with them anyway if they want me to. If they do, maybe they will see that on the other side of that pain, their life has changed because they chose to change it.

People will always need people. I’m learning to ask for help and to offer it. There are ways for me to live my 100% and go for the bonuses. I don’t believe my circumstances are someone else’s to judge as fair or unfair in comparison to theirs. But, I do believe that I owe the world kindness because I’m in it. Kindness comes from gratefulness. I see how being kind is a reflection of gratitude. I’m so grateful for my life that I’m learning to give grace to people. I want to help them have a chance to see how their lives can move out of pain and into joy.

All My Love

When I was working my way through the first part of my life’s shift a couple of years ago, feeling gratitude was the hardest part. It was overwhelming. There’s so much bizarre comfort in looking outside for the answers. Probably because there was no real accountability. Strange flashes of guilt, but also so many ways to justify not doing anything to make life better. A constant flow of reasons to not try again and to stay trapped.

Gratitude showed up and it scared me. Then, it got interesting. When I figured out that the 100% life gives was already there, I got really excited. My life is everything. What happens now is more of what I want. Once I stopped questioning whether I could have a life, I started living it. Then, there is the love that comes with all of it. The love for the world I get to be in and the love for the people in it. It’s so easy to be kind when I know that people have the ability to love. An ability I had to be grateful for to truly accept it.

Please take a look inside your life. All that you need is there. It isn’t waiting outside. Start with one circumstance that you’ve chosen. Start with one person that chose you. They are what results from being alive enough to want your 100% life and more. That’s all, and it’s everything.

Loving All of It…

Check out “YOLO” on the Poems page