That’s Now

Read time: 5 minutes

Right in Front of Me

Right now. Now when I’m writing this. Now when you’re reading this. It’s all now, and it was escaping me. There are many teachings, meditations, and techniques that focus on living in the now. Until a couple of years ago, it just seemed like a lot of talk to try to get me to buy into some kind of anxiety cure. A way to use my past trauma and expectations for the future as bait. 

Back then, I believed my anxiety wasn’t that kind of anxiety. It wasn’t the real kind that needed a cure. My anxiety was necessary to keep me moving forward. That’s just part of life, right? The past and future are important. Life is stressful. Adulting is hard.

Then, like shifting sand, life changed. Now, I get it. “Now” is actually pretty great. I look around and see the world in my now. I hug people I love now. I feel the exhilaration of that concert now. I plan my next travel adventure now. I look down on the beautiful world below me as I fly now. I cuddle with my cats now. Okay, you get it. But, please know what I’m saying. All the good and the bad are right now. The past exists only as an imprint. The future doesn’t exist at all.

It’s awesome – this idea of life in the now. When I’m really in it, that hurtful experience yesterday doesn’t hurt. The dread of what might happen tomorrow isn’t there. The regret doesn’t get a voice in my head. And probably most importantly, everything I am and am worthy of is right here with me. Even when stuff sucks, I know that it’s just what I’m living in now.

A moment of pain will and does move into the next. What’s strangely awesome, though, is that it hurts a little less not because time has passed, but simply because I know these are just moments. I’ve realized that I’m not here to suffer. I’m not here to sacrifice for tomorrow. Working for what I want to achieve is not a sacrifice. It’s part of the beautiful life I’m living. I want to purposefully appreciate and be actively grateful for what is right here. 

I’ve discovered that now isn’t threatening. What was a threat is what might happen again or what could happen that I let appear in my head. I was bringing all of that into my now. But, that’s an illusion I was creating. The only real thing I needed to accept was that now has none of that. It was only me bringing it there that threatened me.

When someone I love leaves my life through death or an ending, I feel pain. I believe that I feel that pain partly because the moments we spent together are just that- spent. There won’t be more in this life. My now won’t include them anymore. It hurts, but that pain doesn’t keep me from living in the now. Every moment spent with amazing people is my life’s fortune. Every place I live and visit is one of my life’s treasures. Even if those moments also include the pain of what is spent. The beauty is that I got to spend them. 

If I live my life like it is still yesterday, today is meaningless. If I live my life for tomorrow, today is a blur of wasted moments. When time is spent everywhere but now, it’s traded for regret and wishes. When I lived waiting or wishing for that next big thing, I missed all the big stuff in front of me. And the pretty great little stuff, too (For more on missing out, please read That’s My FOMO).

Living My Now

That slow burn but all of a sudden feeling I’ve described in prior posts is me landing in my now. My now gives me the space to feel sure that what I’m doing is good and right for my life. The awareness of the world around me and the joy of getting to be here is the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced.

I could never have imagined that I could actually live in a painful moment and understand that this is just part of the story of my life. It’s being written with amazing lessons in Harry’s disappearing ink (Please read That’s My Disappearing Life for more on Harry’s ink). All the things that happen in life that I can’t control move in and out with their own purpose. But, I get to choose how those experiences live in my now. Ironically, I have huge ownership over even what I can’t control for as long as I own my moments.

Since discovering how great now is, I’ve noticed that I can see my life from many different angles at the same time. Sometimes I’m aware enough to see in a fraction of a second how my interaction with someone can create or smooth conflict. It’s sort of like a superpower. That’s what being aware of moments can do. I want to connect with people in ways that give both of us space in these moments. My awareness is the key to creating that space.

When I’m assuming that the pain of yesterday will control me today, I won’t be aware of the now. If I’m assuming there will be awfulness tomorrow, I won’t be aware of the now. Even when I’m reliving the joy of yesterday or anticipating the thrill of tomorrow, I still won’t be aware of the now. More and more, I’m becoming aware of all that is in front of me.

I’m not suggesting that I shouldn’t spend my now remembering good times with people I love as we tell our stories. Spending time like that is a brilliant combination of all that is awesome about a life well lived. I’m simply suggesting that I want to keep now open for all the awesome life that’s happening instead of spending it thinking about somewhere else. Only this time and this place is where my life is happening. It can’t happen before. It won’t happen after. I’m here now. It’s the only time and place where I can find all of me, everywhere, all at once.

I think I’ll stay awhile…